The Good, The Bad, and the Slightly Scary

It’s been a week since my return to the world of online dating. I’m taking a whole new approach this time around. Kind of revolutionary for someone like me who was kind of standoffish in regards to most men until my little epiphany. I don’t need to be searching for the one, I just need to be out there having fun, experiencing new connections, laughing, learning, unburdening myself of my all-or-nothing mentality, and not only being open to someone grand coming along, but also being fully in the moment without thinking this next one could be anything more than a great dinner date for the night. Or not. They’re not all sparkling conversationalists.

So, ladies, you know what it’s like being a woman in this day and age. We are completely inundated with the most debased characters on the block. It can be a bit overwhelming the way our days are comprised of looks, comments, and an onslaught of attention just by walking by. And men don’t get why that’s unflattering. I automatically qualify for sex simply because I was born with a vagina. I know, completely shocking that constant sexual attention wouldn’t make me feel the slightest bit special. I should instantly drop my soaked knickers and hop aboard. I don’t mean that figuratively, either.

Anyway, as expected, my message box started filling up immediately upon my return to OK Cupid. Immediately. I had three new messages in five minutes. That would be fine and dandy if online dating wasn’t like deep sea fishing in the middle of the night. You might catch a good one here and there, but mostly, you’re reeling in those fucked up quasi-monstrous creations with a light bulb growing out the top of its head or something.

Oh, and…cue the pee pee pics. Let’s start with a couple of those.

Specimen A55H0L3

This fine masterpiece has the epitome of THE Golden Penis.

Let’s look at the thought and artistry that went into this picture. We can tell from the orbs of golden light emanating from his…well…orbs…that we are not dealing with the average, run of the mill man here. Oh, nooooo. This is the cream of the crop. Instead of choosing the typical ambiance of a romantically lit bedroom, this innovator of erotic pictures chose the toilet as the catalyst to showcase his manliness. See how his head is thrown back in ecstatic glory? Come…devour him…now…before he wipes.

Specimen D0UCH3C4N0E

Here we see what can only be described as terrifying. The amount of veinage (I know it’s not a word, just roll with it) that can be seen is indicative of a man-meat on the verge of exploding. And probably not in the good way, either. Nope. Nope, nope, nope. Let us also take note of his inability to purchase underwear that fit properly. Dude, they’re boxers, briefs, or boxer briefs, and they’re all designed to fit a certain way.

By the way, these two came to me without so much as a hello. The newest trend seems to be to send a link stating you’ll find out everything you need to know about a person by visiting. And it’s never a song or pretty picture of a sunset. Note to self, when sent a link to follow to, do not go there. Just never, ever, ever, ever go there. Ever.

It’s mostly English, and it mostly makes sense.

But this is a bit much. No, actually, this is a LOT much. Too much. I understand the sentiment to try to be original and flattering, but he’s one step away from proposing when all I need is a hello to get started.

Also, based on strictly looks isn’t the best way to gauge your compatibility with another. Flowery prose isn’t fooling me, buddy. I’m onto your Jedi mind tricks.

I’m worth three goats and a pot in his country.

If I can’t drive to see you in two hours or less, I’m probably not going to invest much time. But, in his defense, he does seem rather nice.

Then there’s this guy.

I’m growing increasingly annoyed with the messages that come through like this. What is it about owning a scrotum that makes men lose their ever loving mind when it comes to common decency?

And then that brings me to the one connection I’ve made which has moved offline. Not in person yet, but we’re texting, and he makes me smile, and that’s something that should never be taken for granted. I enjoy quick banter and lively conversations which this guy is capable of providing, and that’s the point of serial dating. At least to me.

Just hours upon hours of silly fun times.

This is sweet and fun and entertaining. It’s nice. I’m continuing to talk to this one a bit more for now. There’s something about a guy who makes me laugh that holds my interest a bit. Life is far too short for anything but as many smiles as possible. So we’re being silly and funny and laid back, and that’s really faboo to have. No pressure, just some smiles.

Disclaimer: Jorge is aware that I’m blogging my dating experience, and has given full permission. He, however, has no idea where my blog is, and he’s not invited too far into my personal space (ie: Facebook, email, etc) and is okay with my serial dating status.

Thus far, my dating experience online is very much like what it has always been. The only true difference is my perception and approach. I am not carefully combing profiles and withholding responses based solely on how I don’t feel any vibes off the bat. I’m not looking too deeply into certain factors that I used to cling to as my reasons for not giving anyone a chance. And when I do go out, it’s without any expectations and without any nerves. I don’t really care how it goes, though it obviously would be groovy to enjoy myself. I’m just living in the now and putting myself out there while my heart remains safely tucked inside my back pocket until someone catches my interest enough to start considering more. The only thing I know for sure, the boy will know how to spell.

And maybe, just maybe, he’s out there somewhere wondering where the hell I’m at.

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