The Feels on the Bus Go Round and Round

Self exploration. Self growth. Honesty in all things. New approaches. New goals. New ways of dealing with things. These are all good commodities that keep us from stagnation which I happen to view as the true death. Stagnation is the death of the soul.

So I have to make sure I avoid it all costs, and today, I encountered something that I have to face head on. Why? Because I like to compartmentalize and avoid those feelings because I know they eventually go away and give way to more comfortable emotions which leave me feeling in control. And this latest adventure I’m on specifically deals with everything in that first paragraph. Besides, I said I wouldn’t candy coat a single thing.

So let’s talk about emotions and how it’s okay for us to explore the good ones and let them wash over us, but they’re so feared when they bring out negatives in us. I think in hindsight, we discover the lessons learned during the darker moments are the most pertinent and long lasting. Which means, we shouldn’t really hide from anything. We should step into the darkness and allow it to wash over us until our eyes adjust and we begin to see clearly.

I suppose what brought this on was a conversation with Mr. Yesterday (formerly known as Mr. Droid. THE guy). No, no candy coating anything. I don’t suppose a damn thing, I know very well that our conversation forced me to explore something new. Further proof he’s part of my soul group, a soul mate, because he’s forced me to grow so damn much in such a short time, it’s as if he lit a fucking fuse and shot me off into space.

By the way, ‘Soul mate’ is such a misconstrued word. We have several, and they come in many forms. Parents, friends, romantical interests, our offspring, and so on. They’re here to make us confront that which is inside us needing a push. They make us better people. And that’s not always easy. And it’s not always painless. And it sure as fuck isn’t all rainbows and unicorns. If it were, what would be the point? You’d never be challenged to become more than you are. You’d remain stagnant.

But I digress…

Mr. Yesterday. I went over briefly in previous blogs how he was the one that was standing there when my walls were suddenly gone. All the growth from before him culminated in my full openness and vulnerability with him…specifically him. The first since the very first, you know, back before I knew to be guarded. It was beautiful and special in a way that I still can’t accurately describe it. And I really did think he felt the same as I did because he flat out said he did. But the ex came back, and it was as if everything he said I was meant absolutely nothing. Poof !!! Deep feelings and striving for a foundation on which to build our future together one day then nothing the next. Absolutely nothing. A black hole where every beautiful part of us was sucked away in a nanosecond. That’s the part that really hurt. You see, every aspect was gone. The few times we talked in the past five or six weeks were so sterile. None of the banter. None of the playfulness. None of that deep friendship that was the most amazing aspect of us to begin with.

And then, as quickly as it disappeared, we had a second chance to rekindle the friendship. I don’t think he actually expected it, either, because he only allotted me an hour to talk when we met up, and that turned into three hours standing in a parking lot talking about everything imaginable and laughing and feeling the flow like it used to be. We went longer than we meant to just like we always did. How many people have you been on a date with that lasted eight hours simply because you didn’t want to stop being near each other? That was what we referred to as Thursday Nights.

And, omgawds, I missed that terribly. I had my friend back just like that. And before you can question the girlfriend situation, that lasted a whole three weeks before it ended poorly. I’m not doing anything inappropriate.

I have found myself thrilled to have my friend back. The silly conversations. The emojis. The inside jokes. The teasing, and banter, and open way we communicate. The way he’ll tell me what he really thinks.

And then we had the conversation about my serial dating where he encouraged me to be open and not run away from what could develop. Basically, I was encouraged to explore my options with other people because the one could be right around the corner if I’m open to it. It isn’t as if I was sitting here thinking he and I are back on track right where we left off or as if I’m cheating on him by seeing other men. But it stung. It really, truly stung. The first guy to capture me fully just went beyond giving me permission to move on, he pretty much told me that’s what I need to be doing. Why the hell does that sting so much? Because I know I have to finish dealing with the residual emotions of our breakup. I have to continue processing that I went from being adored and wanted to being just another girl. I went from having him as an active partner talking about and working towards the goal of building our foundation and having no barriers between us ever to a complete shut down of that and me having absolutely no importance in that way to him in the blink of an eye. It’s a difficult thing to accept that you’ve been rejected even when you know it wasn’t done maliciously. How do you go from being everything someone wants to being everything in their past?

So, yeah, I still have to process. And I still need to heal. And I really am working on all of that, scout’s honor.

But in order to do so, I have to face the darkness. I have to step inside and be present. So I am. You want the renowned LeeAnnimal truth telling? Here goes.

I’m selfish. I want him to miss that part of us, too. I want him to feel something over the demise of what we were building once upon a time. I want him to have to process losing me even though he didn’t lose me, he left me to the side as he continued moving forward with someone else. I want him to have to be on a journey of Self and feel irrevocably changed because I entered his life the way I feel as if everything is different since he walked into mine. I want him to view me as something cataclysmic even though I’m his past. I don’t like feeling forgotten and as if everything that was so damned special to me was a mirage because I’m the only one who seems to be effected by it.

You can’t force someone to view you the same way as you view them, can you? I wouldn’t want to, either. Not forced. Not flowing organically. Not present all on its own. I live for authenticity. Anything less is a shell of what truly could be.

I suppose the bottom line is that I need to come to terms with being less than what I thought I was. I was so easily replaced by someone who couldn’t even last a full month. If that was better, what the hell does that make me? To him, I mean.

And the beautiful irony is that the way I have treated others I’ve exited relationships from is the exact way I’ve been treated. He flipped a switch, and I disappeared. The lights went off, and I’m hidden in the shadows of the past. The specialness is an afterthought. Even after a very quick sojourn with the ex, he was so adept at getting past me that I was relegated to what I am now in a heartbeat. It took absolutely no effort to fall right back out of the adoration he once held for me.

Ouch, right? I’m perfectly normal for feeling the ouch?

But before you offer sympathy, just know there’s a silver lining around this cloud because the friendship part remains. And no matter what you think of that, it’s obvious that he is still forcing me to grow which in essence is exactly what all of our connections of principle do for us. He is worthy of being in my life in whatever capacity because he is making me a better person even if he doesn’t realize that’s what he’s doing.

And for that, I’ll appreciate all these feels even when it seems as if I’m drowning in them.

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