The Angry TMI Blog

Here it is. The blog where I lose some readers. That really sucks because I am almost to sixty now. I know that isn’t a lot in the world of blogging, but I love it.

I’m angry. I’ve been angry for three weeks. And it finally clicked why. Let me share the back story why, so maybe you’ll get it.

Back when Mr. Yesterday and I were seeing each other romantically and not simply as friends, we were legitimately working on our foundation. That’s a word we both used on a daily basis in our conversations. Everything we did was supposedly to build each other up and to connect and to do things the right way because this was it. It was real. It was the most real thing ever in the history of all real things. And part of that was our Pants Clause. We weren’t rushing into sex even though we really, really, reeeeeeaaaally wanted to. But! We could totally do anything we wanted so long as our pants remained on. It built up tensions and kept the energy sizzling.

Before we would break the Pants Clause, we A)Set the date that we had pushed ourselves far enough to prove we were into each other beyond just sexually, and B)We were never to have any barriers between us because that was legitimately the most amazing part of us. No secrets, no barriers, no boundaries, no falsities. I had just been through my yearly checkup which included being tested for any STD’s, and he went through it for me once we decided we wanted complete openness. I went in and got the depo shot so pregnancy wouldn’t be on the table. I hate birth control because it comes with heftier risks than it should. But for him and what we were building, I went that route.

And two days before we were to break the Pants Clause, it ended. I had it in my Google calendar. I got an alert in the form of an email, an alarm, and a text. Because yes, I totally love torturing myself and shoving a knife into my heart, thanks Google!!!

He went onto his ex. He got laid. He probably had amazing sex. And me? Well, I didn’t, obviously. I put myself into a refreshed celibate period. I’d almost broken it for him, but, you know, exes.

Now HERE’S why I’m so fucking angry. Depo has fucked my body up. I have spent three weeks in varying stages of my period. It shows up, I bleed for a couple days, it goes away for a couple days, it comes back like how it normally is on the last day of a period, then it goes away, then I wake up with it full force again the following day, etc. And just like regular periods that don’t go on indefinitely, I am feeling allllllll the emotions. I am craving junk food, I am breaking out in pimples, I am cramping like a mother effer. Why??? Because I believed someone wanted me forever, so I made a concession that I don’t normally make so we could have something we both supposedly wanted more than anything. And he moved on, and I moved into the land of all things uterus.

I couldn’t have sex right now if I wanted to simply because of what depo has done to my body. I took a medication that altered my physical state for no fucking reason in the end. I am affected long term because of this choice. I am reminded that I had fallen deeply enough to do something that would lead to this catastrophe while another girl got to have the reward I was so close to having. No, scratch that, the reward was supposed to be the ability to be one hundred percent open without the slightest barrier between us ever in every single aspect of our lives, and she didn’t get that either. But she DID get to have an orgasm. And she DID get to have his full attention and his intimacy and to curl beside him afterward while they whispered all those oh so lovely words of amour to each other. I had spent that time directly prior to her resurgence building up the need inside him, and someone else reaped the benefits of that even if only for a short while. It’s irrelevant. Everything he and I were supposed to be was given over fully to another. She borrowed from my experience while I was over here trying to piece myself back together before my uterus decided to declare war on me.

And if I DO decide I want sex, I can’t have it. I simply can’t. That’s totally the wrong kind of wetness. Let’s not forget how I would rather stab myself in the eye with a spork than have the “No, you can’t put your penis inside my vagina because it’s already full of tampon” conversation.

Let’s also not mention how freaked out I’ve been over this turn of events and how many informative sites and message boards I’ve visited to figure out how normal this is. Causing three weeks of non-stop ovulating and purging can NOT be a healthy thing. I allowed myself to be fucked up mentally, emotionally, and obviously physically for someone who could walk away and give all the pretty words to someone else along with all the dicking. I did everything I was supposed to and everything I said I would do only to get shafted in the least fun way possible in the end.

So I’m pissed. And I want chocolate. And I want to smack a bitch. And I want to scream.

But mostly, I want to not acknowledge that there’s not a single part of me that wasn’t altered from that relationship. Not a Single. Fucking. Thing. And I didn’t have nearly the same effect on him, so it’s really rather a big ol’ steaming pile of bullshit which just makes me aggressively angry every time I go to pee. Which is a lot. I drink half my weight in water daily.

But I do have to acknowledge it, and I suppose a physical reminder helps me not forget the pitfalls of falling too soon or in believing and trusting too quickly. Perhaps that’s exactly why the universe is doing this to me…

Advertisements

26 thoughts on “The Angry TMI Blog

  1. That makes me want to punch a mothercunting fuckstick in the fucking suckhole. NOT COOL.

    Go eat some chocolate, swig a bottle of wine, bust out your best vibratory device and while away the time until your poor body finds its balance again honey! Xoxoxoxo M

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I’ve gone through three months worth of tampons in three weeks. Plus, I’ll have to switch to pads soon because TSS, and lawd knows I’ll become even angrier if I contract that due to this whole situation.

      I’m crying because emotions. I hate being a girl sometimes. Meh.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Oh honey I feel your struggle. I have been bleeding intermittently for months now from my disease but I give 0 fucks about TSS and loathe pads so I will just keep using tampons. I cry too. But hey, I am married to a man who is half Italian, sometimes I wonder if he cries more than I do!

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Oh no. See my hubby is half Italian, half Danish and 100% a total pain in the ass love of my life!

        Like

  2. Wow! I would be completely and utterly PISSED OFF too!! >.< Hopefully your body will begin to regulate normally soon enough and when it does the unpleasant reminder of a never-ending period will not be present to constantly remind you of all you did in the name of love for Mr. Yesterday.

    One day Mr. Wonderful is going to pop into your life and if and when you choose to disclose this experience to him, I am more than confident he is going to view your actions as honorable, admirable and might I add responsible. And when he does, may the moment the two of you be intimate lead you to the most exhilarating orgasm you ever ever everrrrrr dreamed of! Mr. Yesterday needs to count his lucky stars you don't go all PMS psycho on his ass!! Hope all gets better for you!! {{HUGS}} šŸ™‚

    Liked by 1 person

    1. There’s so much confusion with Mr. Yesterday, and I think a lot of that confusion has to do with exactly what you touched on. I have a daily reminder of what lengths I went to and how deeply I invested myself to turn around and find myself relegated to friend while someone else got everything I was supposed to have.

      And even that pisses me off…the fact I say relegated. Because his friendship is quite important to me. It’s hard to explain, but the romantic part was thrown away, but this amazing connection remains. He’s in my tribe. Few make it into my tribe. I can’t begin to explain the connection I have with him or why it fucks with my head because of how deep it is without the promise of something more. I dunno how to put it into words. I just know my head is really wonky right now, and so are my nether regions. And so is everything in between. The only part of me to escape processing this is my left pinky toe.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I understand completely. I have found myself in a similar position and as much as I had wanted to scrape out the eyes of the person and pull their heart out through their throat, the connection and vibe was just so unearthly, no one would understand. I say, take your time with it. One day at a time, as hard as that is going to be, because trust me, I KNOW positive affirmations are like searching for a grain of salt in a pile of freshly dropped snow. Let this experience build you up and let it remind you that once this passes, YOU came out of the experience a better person. STRONGER and WISER!! Sometimes the universe does have a way of speaking to us in ways where words would just not justify the true lesson that is being taught.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. I have lessons to learn and things to understand, and that’s a process. I picked a really bad time to learn to accept all of my emotions when they’re obviously out of whack and being displayed in extremes.

        Being Human sucks sometimes.

        Liked by 3 people

      3. Yea it does. I try to believe that at the end, the stories that we can tell once we are older and the experiences we can look back on are how we are going to leave behind an AMAZING legacy that others in the future are going to sit there and wonder just how we managed to survive! šŸ™‚

        Liked by 1 person

      4. I’ll have a weird upswing soon. Like, probably within the hour. I’m going for a jog then focusing on my school work, and I’ll level out temporarily. I wrote this after waking up to a full on cramping session and another Day One type of period. Even that heaviness will fade by tonight and then I’ll have a couple days of barely spotting, and then maybe one day without before going back into it full swing again, and the feeeeeeeels. I have to be hormonal on top of everything else. This is crap.

        Liked by 1 person

  3. You write with passion. You also have nice eyes – I noticed them while trying not to look at your bewbs – I like to think I’m modern in that way. Thanks for visiting and commenting on ‘Requiem for the Big Bang’. I hope you stay in touch.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. One of the perks of WordPress, at least as far as I can tell in my own experience, is that if you’re honest, your readership isn’t going to decline, it will probably increase because what you have to say is important to people, allows them to reflect upon their own baggage. Like mine for instance. When I read a genuine outpouring, it always causes me to go back and reevaluate my motives. Not saying I don’t still make stupid decisions on a daily basis, but I do value the real words in your sentiment, and I am also sad you are going through this hell … truly

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I haven’t lost any followers over this blog just yet. I’ve gained five, actually. So I think you’re right. It’s just been my experience that most people like the funny LeeAnnimal, not the more perplexed or angsty LeeAnnimal.

      I’m in a downswing right this second, but the pendulum always comes around again. I’ll be right as rain once I process further and have things running properly again.

      Liked by 1 person

    1. It sucks. It sucks badly. I’m trying to run more thinking it will effect the period thing like it normally does for girls who are athletic enough. So I’m stepping up my game. Not to have thin thighs, but to stop bleeding.

      Like

    1. It sounds crazy, but he’s still part of my very small tribe. It shifted, but we still talk daily, and I’ve never been angry with him specifically, just the situation. I understand what happened mostly. And for ME of all people to not be pissed and cut him out of my life forever is pretty indicative that something in me just knows I have more lessons to learn from him and vice versa.

      I called the doctor to verify what I found online, and I was told this isn’t abnormal. Because bleeding from the crotch for three straight weeks and not dying seems TOTALLY kosher.

      Liked by 1 person

  5. The wife was on the Depo shot for three(ish) years. Right before we were married we had a conversation about what it was doing to her body and how it would probably be best for her to stop the shot.

    Her body and hormones haven’t been right since.

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s