Dating, no matter what you’re hoping to accomplish from your dating style, is a roll of the dice. You’re never sure what you’ll encounter, you just know (even if you secretly fantasize it will be magically otherwise) that you’ll be saying “NO” a lot. A lot, a lot, a lot.
Here’s a list of the top five things I will unequivocally, without delay, every-single-time say a resounding NO to.
1) If you’re old enough to be my father….NO. I’m sorry, in your youth, I’m sure you were quite the catch. Even today, I’m sure you are charming and sweet and quite the ladies man down in the geriatric ward of Shady Pines. I’m convinced you’re not really a creepy old man trying to swallow a bottle of Viagra and go out in a blaze of glory. I’m just not your Anna Nicole.
2) If you’re pouty and whiny when trying to get me to move faster than I’m comfortable progressing…NO. Hell, even if you don’t pout, the fact you tried to convince me to move faster than I want because it suits YOUR needs with absolutely no regards to my own means you’re a douche canoe. That’s the second least favorable navigable body of semi-fluid fuckery to find yourself in without a paddle. Say that three times fast.
3) If you’re not that intelligent, and you only want to talk about sports or how stupid our President is, or you utter anything remotely close to the phrase, “If you don’t like our country, get out! This is ‘Murica!”…NO. I want a man who can make me explogasm with his big, throbbing, brilliant brain. I find nothing in this world sexier than a man with all the gears working overtime in that gorgeous cranium of his. Close second is a man who can make me damn near wet my panties from laughing so damn hard. Now you understand why I think Will Ferrell and Jack Black are two of the sexiest men alive. I would gladly shave their backs for them then mount them like a cowgirl on steroids. Yes, sir.
4) If you don’t treat other people we encounter in public with decency and respect…NO. I pay attention to how you address our server at dinner, if you hold the door for just me and follow me through before allowing the people behind us to pass, and how you smile or make eye contact with those we pass by. I gather a lot of information on a first date in how you are treating other people we inadvertently interact with because it tells me how you really are and how you really view other humans, not just how you treat me while out because you’re wanting to impress me.
5) If we’re just getting started with our interactions, and you send me a picture of your Mr. Happy…NO. I don’t know how many times I must reiterate I don’t want pictures of your dick before I get to know you on a level that makes me crave intimacy with you, however, I will keep stating it over, and over, and over again. Infinity.
Lastly, my honorable mention, is something I’m working on. I’m 39. Why do 45 year old men look so old? Why do I feel like I am not supposed to be dating men in their forties when I’m about to be in my forties? Why do some men who are the exact same age as me seem like they are eons older than I am? I know I don’t look my age. Everyone is always surprised to find out. But really, I am not going to get anywhere unless a man slightly older than I am can be found attractive. I dunno, it could be the paunch that is increasingly present, or the neck that is starting to make me crave Thanksgiving dinner, or the bad dad jokes…or something. I need to evaluate that more deeply, but for now, it seems that is still a NO that is reverberating through my very marrow.
So for now, have a lovely weekend. And, please, feel free to discuss your most favorite NO criteria. I could always add to my list and make it impossible to ever find anyone to flow through life with. It seems more plausible to do that than lower my standards any further. (I went on a date with a hipster…how much lower can my standards fall?? Wait…don’t answer that.)