How Shallow Is Too Shallow?

His name is Melvin. How can I date someone named Melvin?

“Hi! So nice to meet you! And this is my boyfriend, Melvin!”

It’s time to admit that I’m apparently shallow. He’s cute, but his name is Melvin. He’s smart, but his name is Melvin. He’s highly attentive and complimentary, but his name is Melvin.

Did you know Melvin is also a type of wedgie? A front wedgie. A painful wedgie. It’s true..I found it online.

See??? Totally legit.

I might as well introduce him as “Melvin, my super uncomfortable camel-toe.”

Therefore, it’s time to evaluate how shallow is too shallow. I feel incredibly badly about myself that I’m writing someone off who shows great potential simply because his name is synonymous with a wedgie and possibly an animated alien from the sixties. There wasn’t a cartoon with an alien named Melvin, but there should have been.

I need to feel attracted on a physical level. I need to feel emotionally and spiritually bonded. I need to feel intellectually stimulated. And I need him to be patient, kind, warm, interesting, independent, non-clingy, supportive, kind of nerdy, and totally into me.

And I need him to not be named Melvin.

While I’m at it, let’s just cross off Bruce, Bruno, Harold, Peter, Dick, (and any other phallic sounding names) Edward, Gordon, and Herbert.

Ladies and Gentleman, I do believe I’ve made it even more difficult to find someone.

Join me…I brought cupcakes!

30 thoughts on “How Shallow Is Too Shallow?

    1. Vin…if his last name isn’t Diesel, I’d probably crush my soul a little each day. And he specified he likes to be called his whole name when I gave him my nicknames and requested his in the hopes I could refer to him as something else.

      Liked by 1 person

  1. It’s not shallow, it’s setting the limits for what you want in a partner, that’s never a bad thing. It’s better to realize it now rather than in 15 years and two kids in.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Ugh…but I don’t wanna! This is tedious. I just received a message, “I’m the more dominant type. When can we meet?”

        That was his introduction. Like…am I supposed to be all swoony and duct tape myself and wait in his trunk for him? Good gawds.

        Liked by 2 people

    1. My ex husband is named Xander which makes me think all X names should be off the table, as well.

      I need a superhero. Someone who comes across as mostly average to the world but lends something extraordinary to my existence.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. How does “Scott” fit into your lifestyle? You don’t have to change your last name, although to be fair, mine is nothing like all the Malaysian names I see on movie credits!
    Where’s that exam you keep talking about?


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