I’m determined to find him…that mythological god of yumminess that captures me hook, line, and sinker. He’ll have dimples if I’m lucky. He’ll laugh easily and turn me into a big puddle of mush every time he looks at me.
But in the meantime…
I hate men. All of you. Sorry, I’m a little miffed at the moment You’re assholes who make life so fucking difficult. I can’t just be a girl. I can’t just say no. I can’t just BE without you being a complete and utter douche canoe who won’t accept what I’m throwing down.
No, I don’t want to get your number, and NO, I don’t wanna give you mine…
And for those who are missing the subtlety, let me break it on down for you. He has been trying to get my number from me on more than one occasion in the past week and a half that I’ve been on POF. Today he decided to step it up a notch, and I quit responding when we got to the last message because THIS is what he did wrong.
Like many before him, he feels I am moving too slowly. He feels I am not giving indication that I am into him. He feels that I am being coy because he has no idea what it is like for a woman to feel like it takes more than a few bland, perfunctory messages on a dating site to feel like she’s connecting to someone. His last message was like the ones before him who felt that if I’m not diving in head first, then I am a game playing chick who can’t make up my mind. No, he didn’t say that, per say. He did, however, point out that he has no idea how many men I’m talking to, but he always lets women know if he’s interested.
Fucking fuckhead fucktard, I am talking to you. I am giving you a chance to get to know me. I am not ignoring you, I am responding. So, duh, why do you think I am NOT into you? I wouldn’t respond to you at allllllll if I were not at least giving you a chance to wow me.
Like this guy…
It took him a hot minute, but he finally got it.
It’s so icky…all of it. But how else will a single mom who works and goes to school full time and doesn’t go out every night of the week ever hope to find someone to mesh with if I’m not throwing out my fishing line and seeing what I can reel in?
I don’t HAVE to have someone. Obviously, I am still breathing and functioning without a partner. But I want to know if it’s out there. I want to have someone in my life who accentuates my daily living…someone to tell all my funny stories to at the end of the day and to snuggle with after a nightmare and to capture the spiders that get into my house or dispose of the dead creatures my cat brings to me. I want someone to look at me like I am everything right in the world. I want someone to vent to when I can’t solve a math equation and to laugh with while watching a stupid movie and to dry the dishes when I wash them and to tell me my ass looks great in those new jeans I just spent too much for. I want to hold hands and stand too close and have all the flutteryflies that make me know I’m alive.
What I don’t want is someone to try to change me or how I react or how slowly I move. I want someone who gets that I need reassurances and to feel safe before I take that next leap. I need someone to be there to catch me because I’m getting all bruised up making these jumps all alone.
I don’t know if it exists. I don’t know if I’m meant to be someone’s everything. I don’t know if I’m gonna wow him indefinitely…I do at first, but then they get close enough and realize I’m NOT what they want…they had it all wrong.
Then some of them stalk the fuck out of me, and that’s only romantic if you’re a poorly written character in a book that portrays BDSM like a Lifetime movie of the week…not to name names…I’m looking at you, Christian Grey *cough cough*.
So fishing it is…and I’m throwing most of them back…and yet, I still keep trying. I’m either really dedicated and determined, or I’ve lost my ever lovin’ mind. You decide.