Psssst. Hey boys. Psssst….hey! Yeah, you! Did you know your profile picture on a dating site says a lot about you? Do you know most the pictures on certain sites are absolutely terrifying? I’m not talking about the blah ones like in front seats of cars or from an angle down near your waist looking up that is possibly the single most unflattering angle in the entire plethora of angles and perplexes me ever so much that there are so many of you that utilize said angle. I’m specifically talking about how scary some of you look. There’s murder in your eyes, I can see it.
You’re growling when you pop up in my inbox. I automatically make your scary eyes go away.
Let’s also take into account that the average woman on a dating site gets dozens upon dozens of messages per day. She has options. If you look pissed when she sees you, it’s human nature to walk away as quickly as possible.
So let’s go over things not to do when choosing the picture you want to wow a female with.
1) Stop scowling! I’m serious. Don’t choose pictures that look like you’re a giant, mean, poopie-head who probably pushes little old ladies down for fun on Tuesdays.
2) Out of focus pictures won’t make me click to see more. This is the picture that is the FIRST IMPRESSION we have of you. Could you at least TRY to impress?
3) Stop taking topless photos in the bathroom mirror. Stop it. Stop it now!
4) Pictures while in the driver’s seat….really? Why? Don’t you know one person who could snap a picture of you somewhere other than in your car?
4B) Also…stop taking pictures of your car. I don’t give a flying fuck how much you spent on your rims. I really, truly don’t.
5) Close ups that reveal every pore on your face aren’t that grand, either. Back up. A little more. Okay, just a little bit more. There, now you may take the picture.
6) Oh, awesome. You go to the gym. Then you flex while still in the gym and take a picture. Every single one of your pictures is of you. Flexing. In a gym. How original.
7) Are you really posing with a gun? Sweet Mary Mother of God…NEXT!
8) Stop posting pictures of you with your children. On a dating site. For the love of all that’s holy, why would you post pictures of your innocent children on a website for perfect strangers, some who are undoubtedly unbalanced, to see???? Why would you DO that???
Here are a few collages I made of actual profile pictures that have popped up in my inbox today. I did not include the ones that have children or guns because I will not perpetuate the inappropriate decision to use them to get dates, nor did I include the ones with firearms because I don’t want to get killed if they see this and stuff.
Now…to end on a positive note, here are pictures that have ended up in my inbox full of quirkiness and smiling faces and artsy poses and the overall feeling that they’re nice and fun and worth a second look. DO try and emulate these photos, boys. THESE photos get your foot in the door for a girl to at least look at your pictures and read your self-promotional write-up. More on how you should present yourself in your “About” section later. Yup yup yup!!!
(I have dinner plans with one of these guys this week. I’ll let you try and guess which one)
In conclusion, seriously, exert some actual effort and stop being scary. And trim your nose hairs. That’s totes important, too. Just sayin’.