The In Between

Dear you,

I wanted to believe, so I deceived myself. I can’t be angry at you. I mean, I should have learned the first time I discovered how dishonest you can be. Fool me once, and all…

I was hurting, though. I was terribly hurt, you see. And to believe you meant to alleviate the pain. Until you were dishonest again. Fool me twice…

I think the complete detachment was all it really took this time. To see myself as I really am…The In Between. The momentary distraction that turns to a nuisance when the shiny baubles come along and hold your interest. I’m not shiny enough or interesting enough or maybe not even pretty enough. I don’t know which it is. I just know that I’m good enough for a time, then instead of honesty, there’s simply the feeling of being in the way again.

You can’t pick me back up again like a discarded toy when the shiny baubles become tarnished. I won’t let you. I don’t like living in The In Between. I’m so much more than The In Between could ever offer me. I get that you don’t see that. I know, and it’s okay. But, you see, when you use me to pass the time before tossing me to the side to chase something new only to run right back once your chase bores you, you treat me like less than nothing. I am just the girl in The In Between. That’s making me a shadow of a real girl. That’s saying I only matter because no one else currently matters more.

I thought for sure I mattered simply because YOU mattered to ME. Such foolish naivete. But it’s so easy to just drop me to the side without the slightest explanation. And it’s so easy to look annoyed and bored and anxious to escape because you’ve never seemed to have the willpower or upfront nature to say, “Hey, you know, I’d really rather not…”

I deserve more than that. If it can’t come from you, then it will (and often does) come from elsewhere. The only anger I have felt over this came recently, and it was simply because of the dishonesty. No, really, if I’m being honest, there was that moment where I was so angry that you just can’t see the value of me as a viable human. I know this to be so because we treat those we see value in with a certain level of respect and courtesy and honesty and tenderness. None of which is forthcoming from you when the light hits something that sparkles off in the distance.

Then the anger was redirected at myself. I mean, there’s that saying. When people show you who they are, believe them. But I chose to deceive myself. I chose to do this to myself.

So I’m moving forward with the knowledge that the next time we enter The In Between, I won’t serve the same purpose. I know that I see my own value and treat myself with enough respect for the both of us, and that will have to suffice. Because I just won’t be a shadow girl who helps you pass the time ever again. I’d rather not, thanks.

And I know I mean it when I don’t wonder for one second if you’ll miss that role I played someday. Because, quite frankly, it no longer matters if you do or not. It no longer matters at all.

I’m not a damsel in distress. I’m a dragon. And dragons don’t need saving, they figure out how to save themselves. Just in case you wondered….

Sincerely,

That Girl

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13 thoughts on “The In Between

  1. Great perspective. but I’m confused. Is this about whatever you had with Viking Boy? Because just a few days ago, you seemed confident that what you shared was a mutual “in-between” place. You didn’t hold any illusions that he cared much, or that you did, either. Neither one of you seemed to be chasing a relationship or even a friendship. So if you don’t mind my asking, where was the deception? What caused you to feel angry or hurt?

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    1. No, not the Vaping Viking. Though I did wonder if it would seem that way. The Vaping Viking is very much still static, but I’m a little confused by some of his behavior.

      However, due to the one I wrote this in reference to, until I finish letting go, see him in a different light, and take the stand finally in moving past the self deception and allowing myself to rip the bandaid off all at once, so to speak, I will never be capable of having anything more than white noise. And white noise won’t sustain me for long.

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      1. Ah, I see. Well, I hope that writing about it is helping you to gather the strength and perspective that you need to take that step. Or you could try my method of just hiding in a cave for the rest of your life. 😉 But that’s not for everyone, I guess.

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      2. My writing has always helped me process. And to articulate in general. I have ADHD and that leads to scattered communication when speaking aloud because my brain chases mental squirrels.

        I already feel more resolve and strength from articulating these thoughts and themes. It solidifies an idea and gives me something tangible to recall if I feel my resolve weakening.

        I did the cave thing once. I don’t want to get back to that place. I feel like I lost too much and am trying to regain that on a daily basis.

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      3. I’m the opposite. I feel like I lost something by attempting to step away from the cave and try meeting people and building new relationships. All of that takes so much effort and emotional energy, and makes everything feel so…I don’t know…out of sync? It is more peaceful withdrawing from the world and all its drama. Lonely, but in a way, not less lonely.

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  2. The scary part: changing the ending to “That guy” and just, perhaps, a few words – I could have written that to several women.
    I think that narcissism comes into play here. It sounds to me as if we have met one or two and had to deal with the total lack of pertinent emotion which comes from them.
    It is a horrifying experience and one you can’t really be prepared for…just have to avoid them in the first place.

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    1. There’s this thing about me. I’m incredibly loyal, and someone has to kinda shit all over that and me (metaphorically speaking) more than once to make me switch gears like this. I have to get angry, believe that’s how it’s going to be indefinitely if I let it continue, feel that I’ve given all of myself to the situation so there’s nothing more I could do on my part, and recognize that I don’t want to feel that way any longer. Then my resolve kicks in and forces me to move on.

      I have to know for sure that I’ve got it right. Once more, I feel that while this isn’t a bad person I’m talking about, he just doesn’t value my emotions or show respect for the loyalty I’ve given to HIM without a return on that.

      Though, I can picture him reading this and thinking I’m being ridiculous instead of admitting that talking to someone daily and having rituals and so on then completely dropping that…again. ..without an honest conversation that someone else is filling up that time so there’s no time for ME quite abruptly is the wrong way to treat someone. Even if he thinks he’s sparing my feelings because deep down, he knows that’s not it. He knows how I view honesty and loyalty, so it has more to do with actually not giving a shit how it affects me because he’d rather happily chase someone romantically at this point than worry about how his actions affect another who isn’t part of his happy little bubble currently.

      And, you know, that’s really shitty. You don’t do that to people.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Couldn’t have said it better. You speak to my heart, dear. I hope everything sorts itself out. Sometimes that anger is all I have to go on from him, because it’s much too exhausting and heartbreaking to be hurt and sad about it. I guess the anger lets me take control again of the situation, and see it for what it actually is. No one deserves to be tossed around like that and disrespected. -hugs-

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