Say What???

I was wrong. Oh, so very wrong. I don’t know how I could have possibly been any more wrong than I was.

There I sat beside the Vaping Viking…the guy who I don’t feel connected to and who does not feel connected to me. The Man of White Noise, blocking out the world with me here and there.

“I think it’s time I begin meeting your kids.”

(This is the part where I had a spontaneous asthma attack and blamed it on the weather and this flu bug that has morphed into what I can only presume is one day going to be named “The Death Plague Of Hell”.)

It turns out this is precisely what he thinks a relationship is. I guess there were signs, but honestly, what makes a relationship for me is toooootally different. Such as:

1) I know several of his friends. They recognize me on sight and joke around with me. I just presumed I was entered into his category of “friends” because there is no deeper level to us. We just exist without having to discuss existence. You know? But I suppose that means I have passed the friends test and didn’t even realize he was combining our worlds. Mah bad.

2) He wanted to take me and the kidlettes to the York Fair last month, but I declined simply because I felt like we were either just static together or, at best, tentative friends who sometimes see each other naked. That was his first attempt to start meeting them, and I didn’t want to let that happen.

3) I very seriously don’t want a boyfriend. This isn’t something I’m just saying because I have no suitors or whatever. I, in fact, have a plethora of men still trying to convince me to give them a chance. That’s why the Vaping Viking was my safe haven. He wasn’t trying to get to know me! He wasn’t trying to pin me down! He was comfortable enough without roping me in! Or so I thought. Meh.

4) This whole time, he’s just been a really bad communicator who isn’t on the same level as me intellectually, emotionally, spiritually, or goal-wise. We see the world incredibly differently, and we interact in two separate manners. He thinks this is a relationship. He thinks we’ve been building up to permanence. He thinks we’ve connected. How could he POSSIBLY think we have connected in any way, shape, or form beyond “And now we insert the penis into the vagina or whichever hole we might want to use this evening and do some naughty things to each other before we have pizza and watch TV together.”?

But he does. He thinks we’ve been building up for the past few months. I didn’t think there was any way I was leading him on. I mean, how can we feel so amazingly differently? How can he be satisfied with what this is? I know my standards are high, but c’mon now.

So how do I break this all to him? I went home after my asthma attack subsided and have been sick for the past six days. So, yeah, I’ve avoided him like a mature, responsible, very grown-up adult. Ahem…

I want to be on my own. I am more terrified of dating and what that would cost me than I am of connecting to the wrong person and having to start over. I like who I am all by myself (omgawds, I seriously just started singing that as soon as I typed it…but, you know, only in my head since I sound like a dying drag queen right now). I don’t want a boyfriend. I don’t want expectations. I don’t even really want sex considering I still feel like I’m giving away more of myself than I want whenever my clothes get tossed across the room.

So now I have to have THE TALK (dun dun dunnnn) which makes me highly uncomfortable and will probably end the static I had as a distraction some nights.

But mostly, I have to acknowledge the irony that the ones I want the most find fault in me while the ones I didn’t want to snatch up keep getting tangled in a net I didn’t even mean to cast.

That’s some bullshit, Universe. Cut that shit out.

5 thoughts on “Say What???

  1. Ahhh, the good ol’ friend-zone chat. I’m sorry, love. I’ve been there a million times, each time I start the relationship off with “I’m not looking for a monogamous, official relationship with anybody right now.” They still don’t seem to get it. I don’t know what it is. Confusing, actually, that’s what it is. Like they get this idea of something totally different than what you’ve *clearly* stated. I don’t know how to offer you advice, not saying you’d want to hear it anyways, but none the matter, I’m hooped. Usually I run. It sucks starting over, building up that ‘i-love-your-presence-and-you’re-a-good-lay-too” thing…LOL. Someone you’re *actually* comfortable with… I get it. I feel for you. -hugs-

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Haven’t had the chat yet because today I have no voice. I know I need to have it soon. I hate that talk. Ugh ugh ugh.

      Men become attached easier than women no matter what anyone says. It’s science.

      I want to scream because he put me into this scenario out of seemingly nowhere. I don’t see how he could conceivably think we are in a valid relationship.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I have decided that should I go out a few times, then, after first sex, that is the time to find out totally where we all sit. I mean, find out first if she only has sex with someone she is planning on marrying, but besides that just exist as you say.

    So far, it is not a problem. I don’t have plethora of women after me…not even sure if I really have one. However, I am ok pretty much. When I get lonely, I remind myself that I can simply get up, pack the car, and go – should I choose to – that’s the freedom I have, so until I really want to give that up…

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I think sometimes we say we want a relationship without thinking about what that would cost us. I mean, there’s a lot to be said for freedom.

      There’s also a lot to be said for feeling wanted, respected, important to someone. However, I’ve found that when I view it in a broader perspective, I have all of the above. I am wanted in various forms, not all romantical. I am respected and viewed with importance. I do not have to trade away parts of myself or my freedom to attain those things, and neither do most others.

      Besides, there’s always the possibility to change your mind and seek out more intimate companionship. And I don’t just mean physically. It’s imperative to realize nothing is concrete, and we should simply seek what we need the most in each moment without too much concern about what we may or may not require in some future that might not even come to pass.

      Liked by 1 person

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