Do Whatcha Gotta Do

Maybe it’s the hormones, or it’s the fact I’ve run a fever for a full week now, or perhaps it’s because I am lethargic and have a constant ringing in my ears and can’t remember the last time I was this sick…but today, I deleted my ex’s name from my phone’s dictionary.

His name popped up as soon as I opened a chat…right there…a recommended word…as if I had used it too much. Often, my autocorrect would change the chosen word I wanted for his name for no reason at all but to screw with me, I think.  And even though I was okay with the fact he threw me to the side again because someone came along, and I only matter when there isn’t someone there who matters more..I would see his name and roll my eyes a little at most. But today, ugh, today…I saw his name, and it pissed me off because my phone is like a Jewish mother telling me I need to go get that last train before it rolls away for good because I’m almost forty.

So I deleted his name from my phone completely like any rational woman would.

In other news, I am super sick and super over it. I missed school the past two days because I am too dizzy to stay upright for long. There’s so much congestion that my ears are completely stuffed, and I can barely swallow because there’s nowhere for the pressure of air to go. I literally gag myself by trying to swallow my own spit. As my kindred spirit Jinx said, “I know you must be dying because you’re an apple polisher. If you miss school, I need to buy a black suit for your upcoming funeral.”

He also told me I’m absolutely gorgeous…even with vomit spewing from my mouth.

That’s why I like him more than you.

I’m gonna go die a petty death now which is what petty girls who very pettily delete their ex’s name from existence do when they get sick. Much love…

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16 thoughts on “Do Whatcha Gotta Do

    1. Heh, thanks. This is the first time I have deleted an actual name from my phone. I mean, I’ve deleted people from my life, but I have yet to delete an entire name. I don’t think I would have had it not popped up every time I go to use the text on my phone. It’s a suggested word. Every. Time. But not any longer!!

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      1. It takes many, MANY times of seeing, repeating, continuing on the same trained path – it is up to You alone to decide when you have had enough!

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      2. I decided once I saw it would be a habit…a pattern…not just an unfortunate incident. Forgiveness is one thing. But once you allow someone to treat you like you’re disposable and supposedly willing to be picked back up at random, that’s all you’ll be. The first time, okay, things were happening and it could have been just terrible timing. The second time? Well now, that’s all I need to know to forge ahead on my own path.

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      3. You are absolutely right and way ahead of me. Fool me once, shame on you – fool me twice, shame on me – a true statement.

        We decide our own worth, right?

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      4. You have to. Because if we don’t set our own standard of worth, someone else will appraise us much too low. I know that I have worth as a human. Consideration, communication, and treating me with respect as a person with actual emotions and depth of feeling is one thing I cannot negotiate on. It’s fine if you don’t see much worth in me or how your behavior will affect me, however, it is NOT acceptable if you treat me as something you could very well do without and not at least tell me that. Slinking away and not having a grown up conversation with someone you share rituals and habits and patterns of speech and DAILY conversation with..ghosting on a person that has had you in their life every single day…yeah, not okay.

        Funny, I knew it was coming just like I knew the first time. I asked this time around, “I can’t help but wonder what will happen with us when you find someone.” and his response was, “Nothing will change.She’ll just have to deal with it.” then he connected with someone and forgot I exist all over again. He was supposed to be in my tribe. A placement of great importance in my life. Someone who agreed we belonged in each other’s lives even without the romantic slant. You don’t ghost on those people. You don’t discard those you care about.

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      5. You are so right. You don’t ghost on THOSE people.

        Part of what I am learning is the whole ‘when I ask this question I already know the answer’. It is true, time and time again.

        People do this all the time – they let their identity get all caught up with whomever they are with at that very moment, like they forget the essence of their own self.

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      6. I’ve begun accepting my gut instinct as accurate, and it has led to a lot of strength in my decision making. I naturally am inclined to try to excuse the behaviors of others. But I’ve been going with my gut instinct and knowing those thoughts that pop into my head are right on the money. Trusting oneself is the first step in truly loving and respecting oneself. At least, that’s how it feels to me.

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      7. Trusting my gut and pushing out that pity bit – that is the tough one for me. I am a sucker through & through, and I still take people at their word. I excuse/make excuses as well.

        You are an inspiration!

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      8. Well, thank you. But more than being an inspiration, I think it has something to do with tired of feeling rejected and crappy and devalued..and tired of being able to say I saw it coming but chose to ignore my own intuition. These are the reflections of a woman who has been burnt and ravaged too many times, and so the smaller transgressions are suddenly big enough to address while I learn to trust in that inner voice that says I shouldn’t be so loyal to those who don’t feel the need to reciprocate.

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      9. By the way, ceasing contact completely and taking out the emotional aspect is the automatic first step. So by the time someone tries to illicit pity or try to convince you to give them another shot and that you have it all wrong, you’ve already healed a bit and can look at the situation and relationship as a whole…objectively. Then you also can see how well you withstood being apart and it bolsters your confidence.

        Liked by 1 person

      10. Very true on that as well – I’ve been playing the same game as well. Unfortunately I can’t get rid of the other party entirely – I have to suffer him at some point. But it does raise confidence to realize ‘hey, I don’t have to listen to your shit anymore!’ Waazaam!

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  1. It’s ok, I’m lousy at taking a compliment as well. 😉 I’ve been burnt and ravage too many times, and I’m borderline on shutting myself off – but trying very hard to stay open.

    I agree, once you get to your baseline of what you want & need, you should accept no less than that – from anyone.

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    1. I’ve been through many stages of shutting myself off to the point it made me miserable and sucked all the color out of the world for me. I’ve found that keeping your circle small and forcing people to earn AND keep that place is the best route. I am still open. I truly am. However, it only takes a repeat offense to close me off to that person in particular, not every single person that comes after him/her. It’s getting easier over time, me thinks.

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  2. Hmm, all true but I do remember telling you also that you are very pretty. I think I have alluded to the fact that I wish we lived closer. Ah well, you are sick and sick people forget things… 🙂

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