The Big Blog Of No

Dating, no matter what you’re hoping to accomplish from your dating style, is a roll of the dice. You’re never sure what you’ll encounter, you just know (even if you secretly fantasize it will be magically otherwise) that you’ll be saying “NO” a lot. A lot, a lot, a lot.

Here’s a list of the top five things I will unequivocally, without delay, every-single-time say a resounding NO to.

1) If you’re old enough to be my father….NO. I’m sorry, in your youth, I’m sure you were quite the catch. Even today, I’m sure you are charming and sweet and quite the ladies man down in the geriatric ward of Shady Pines. I’m convinced you’re not really a creepy old man trying to swallow a bottle of Viagra and go out in a blaze of glory. I’m just not your Anna Nicole.

2) If you’re pouty and whiny when trying to get me to move faster than I’m comfortable progressing…NO. Hell, even if you don’t pout, the fact you tried to convince me to move faster than I want because it suits YOUR needs with absolutely no regards to my own means you’re a douche canoe. That’s the second least favorable navigable body of semi-fluid fuckery to find yourself in without a paddle. Say that three times fast.

3) If you’re not that intelligent, and you only want to talk about sports or how stupid our President is, or you utter anything remotely close to the phrase, “If you don’t like our country, get out! This is ‘Murica!”…NO. I want a man who can make me explogasm with his big, throbbing, brilliant brain. I find nothing in this world sexier than a man with all the gears working overtime in that gorgeous cranium of his. Close second is a man who can make me damn near wet my panties from laughing so damn hard. Now you understand why I think Will Ferrell and Jack Black are two of the sexiest men alive. I would gladly shave their backs for them then mount them like a cowgirl on steroids. Yes, sir.

4) If you don’t treat other people we encounter in public with decency and respect…NO. I pay attention to how you address our server at dinner, if you hold the door for just me and follow me through before allowing the people behind us to pass, and how you smile or make eye contact with those we pass by. I gather a lot of information on a first date in how you are treating other people we inadvertently interact with because it tells me how you really are and how you really view other humans, not just how you treat me while out because you’re wanting to impress me.

5) If we’re just getting started with our interactions, and you send me a picture of your Mr. Happy…NO. I don’t know how many times I must reiterate I don’t want pictures of your dick before I get to know you on a level that makes me crave intimacy with you, however, I will keep stating it over, and over, and over again. Infinity.

NoNoNoNoNo

make animated gifs like this at MakeaGif

Lastly, my honorable mention, is something I’m working on. I’m 39. Why do 45 year old men look so old? Why do I feel like I am not supposed to be dating men in their forties when I’m about to be in my forties? Why do some men who are the exact same age as me seem like they are eons older than I am? I know I don’t look my age. Everyone is always surprised to find out. But really, I am not going to get anywhere unless a man slightly older than I am can be found attractive. I dunno, it could be the paunch that is increasingly present, or the neck that is starting to make me crave Thanksgiving dinner, or the bad dad jokes…or something. I need to evaluate that more deeply, but for now, it seems that is still a NO that is reverberating through my very marrow.

So for now, have a lovely weekend. And, please, feel free to discuss your most favorite NO criteria. I could always add to my list and make it impossible to ever find anyone to flow through life with. It seems more plausible to do that than lower my standards any further. (I went on a date with a hipster…how much lower can my standards fall?? Wait…don’t answer that.)

Butthurt

In the past twenty-four hours, my ad on Craig’s List has been flagged and removed THREE TIMES by guys who have been rejected by me. Because little boys throw tantrums when they can’t get a new toy to play with and eventually break. I’ve been trolled, demeaned, sent pee pee pics, asked to play with married men even though the ad specifies no no no, and ranted and raved against. Pretty much par for the course for women who are bold enough to post an ad online for dating purposes. The nerve of me!

But I’ve also found more than one (so far) gentleman who acts with respect and curiosity and flirtation. A few conversations have begun, and we’ll see where I end up.

I have a message, however, for the butthurt little boys of the world who can’t accept when a woman says no to them. You know who you are. You’re the guys in a bar insisting on talking to a woman no matter how kindly she tries to get you to leave her alone. You’re the online stalkers who become angry when she won’t come around. You’re the guys who get mad when a woman complains she can’t find a nice guy because YOU’RE a nice guy, and obviously being kind is the ONLY qualification a gal wants and not a connection or chemistry or intellectual stimulation. Nope…you’re nice to us, that’s all that matters. So if we don’t find ourselves attracted to you, well then, we DON’T really want a nice guy, we only want assholes, and women are horrible creatures who don’t know what they want or a good thing when they see it.

Oh, you poor, misguided, dim-witted fuck faces.

People are not possessions. They can’t control whom they are attracted to, only whom they act on their urges with. If I say no, there are literally BILLIONS of other women to try your luck with. You don’t have to stalk me, harass me, belittle me, attack me, or flag my fucking ad because I don’t want to be with you. You could try growing the fuck up and getting your undies out of a bunch and moving onto the next person who might show you an interest.

I’m posting my ad. Again. For the fourth time. Knowing fully well some butthurt little shit who probably hasn’t even had his balls drop yet will come along and waaaah waaaah waaaaaah and flag me when I feel we are not compatible. Because, little bitches of the world, I find it annoying that I have to deal with you, but I’ve got my eyes on the prize. So there.

Go ahead and try me, little boy. Seriously.

In other news, I’m making headway in getting past Relationship Mr. Yesterday to make full room for Friendship Mr. Yesterday. I went onto OkCupid and looked at his dating profile one last time. The way we originally met. I could hear it in his voice this time. Then I read back through our original messages…when he charmed mah pantaloons right off. Then I blocked him. I can’t see him there ever again. He can’t see me there ever again. And it was incredibly symbolic to me. I went back to the beginning, looked at it in a new, clear light, and began erasing it. I am nothing if not determined.

So there you have it. There’s a fire lit inside me, and I’m letting it all burn. You should totally bring some marshmallows.

An Experiment

I’ve written a new ad for Craig’s List after completely scrapping the other one. I figured this one is just nerdy enough to call out my fellow misfits in nerdom, while also being cute (at least to me). It’s whimsical, me thinks.

Here it is for your perusal and critique:

An Experiment

The experiment: Serial dating with the intention of having good conversation, delicious food, and enjoyable adventures without the pressure of trying to commit or check off a list of suitability rather than demanding the whole package.

The subjects: Female (self) who is intelligent, driven, goal oriented, has a great sense of humor, is fiercely independent, and refuses to either settle for the sake of settling or refraining from going out simply because Prince Charming isn’t readily available.

Male: To be chosen based on responses and initial conversation.

The confines of the experiment: The primary subject is not looking for random sexual partners or using this experiment to find men who cheat, only think with their nether regions, or want to prove she wants something other than EXACTLY what she is stating. Dating is expected and nothing beyond that unless the time comes in which the parameters of the experiment change which will only happen in the event something magical occurs. At which point, the female subject will be the one to notify you of such changes.

The testing should occur in interesting places and in a variety of ways. Museums, dinner out, cafe’s, coffee or wine dates, book stores, and finding local venues for live music are all acceptable and encouraged choices, and other ideas offered are strongly favored.

Intelligence and a sense of humor is highly desired and greatly favored. If you are a nerd, love sci-fi and fantasy, read frequently, are aware of world events, and have all of your teeth, you are considered a prime test subject.

If this posting confuses you and leaves you baffled or makes no sense whatsoever, please kindly disregard.

There you have it. I think taking the reins in my dating experiences might give me a more interesting and level playing field in the dating world. I know what I want, and I won’t stop until I find it. And only I get to dictate what that happens to be.

The LeeAnnimal Goes Rawwwr!

I break it down in here…every last nuance about dating that makes me upset or slightly cynical or deliciously happy. I don’t think I ever break it down about me. Specifically me. What makes me tick. What makes me the girl who was driven from the chaste and pure pursuit of romantical bliss into the heathenism of serial dating. So, sit back, pour a glass of wine, and get ready for some of the lowdown on the LeeAnnimal. Yes, I absolutely DID just refer to myself in the third person. Deal with it.

*I’m ridiculously clumsy. It’s a well known fact and is often viewed as adorable. I am relatively certain falling on my ass isn’t really an adorable thing.

*I’m the mom in my group(s). I offer advice. I have attended a first gynecological appointment with a nervous grown-ass friend who should have gone years earlier. I bake cookies and threaten to beat boys’ asses. I sit up all night and come over at any hour simply because I’m needed.

*I’m stubborn

*No, really, I’m possibly the most stubborn girl you’ll ever meet. Ask anyone who knows me.

*I self sabotage. A LOT.

*I love fairytales re-imagined. I adore anything Wonderland. I read stories about magic and epic adventures and aliens and dystopian societies and unicorns because FUCK I still want a unicorn.

*I curse a lot. In a kind of girly voice with a slight Southern accent. The accent grows if I’ve been speaking to family members or if I’m drinking or angry. If I get angry, I call it “Going Southern.”

*I cry at movies. Or shows. Or commercials. Or because it’s slightly overcast out. Or because my beer went flat while I was running at the mouth.

*I’m exuberant, bouncy, talkative, and silly. I’m like a giant preschooler in a pair of kickass heels.

*I’m only 5’2″, so I tend to wear heels a lot.

*I’m not short. I’m vertically challenged.

*I seem jaded, but I really think it’s possible that true, unadulterated, pure, lasting love exists out there somewhere. I think it’s as unique as the magic in my favorite stories.

*I have no problem walking away. As deeply as I love (be it platonic, romantic, or something else entirely), I can reach the point where I grow cold and hard and walk away without a single glance back. I think it throws people off when it happens to them. I’m the kind of girl that would stand there with you forever if you didn’t go and fuck it up.

*I’ve only met one person I’ve been incapable of shaking off. In almost forty years of life, only one became embedded into me in a way I both love and hate.

*I sing in my car while driving. Loudly. With the windows down. And when someone sees me at a red light, I don’t stop. I turn to them and serenade them until the light turns green again.

*I love chocolate, coffee, wine, spiced rum, books, blankets, pajamas, bubbles in my bath, and the colors red and pink.

*The decal over my break light in my rear window says, “You’ve Just Been Passed By A Girl”

*The interior of my car is all Hello Kitty

*The more upset I am, the bigger my smile gets. I don’t fake it in bed (I mean, that’s like rewarding a puppy for peeing on the carpet. He’ll just keep doing it), but I totally fake it till I make it when it comes to emotions. It’s something I’m working on now that a friend pointed out I need to try being Human for a little while. Being a Human is tricky shit.

*If I was sorted at Hogwarts, I would totally be in Gryffindor. No doubts.

*I’m really pissed that my owl got lost.

*When I let my imagination wander, I dream extraordinary dreams.

*I keep a dream journal.

*I have my tarot read at least once a year.

*I still fear the monsters under the bed, so I removed my bed frame.

*My spirit animal is Betty White.

*The best compliment I ever received was given to me five minutes ago: “You have very flavorful mental diarrhea.”

*I want someone to top that compliment. So get to it!

*And maybe most importantly:

No matter what, at the end of the day, I’m happy with myself. And I’m reeeeaaaally happy with the ones who dig the vibe I’m throwing down.

I Make Them Prove It.

After yet another snafu that left me frustrated, (namely a pricing change and a new billing date for no reason other than it’s Tuesday which means I paid my bill two weeks ago and have to pay again next week which equates to two phone bills in one month) I decided to break up with AT&T. The conversation was very much like trying to break up with a boyfriend who had just quit trying.

“It’s not you, it’s me. I just can’t take this instability in my life. I’m not cut out for it,” I say softly into the phone. I bite down on my lower lip and wait for the response that is sure to be difficult to hear.

“No, LeeAnn, please don’t do this. We’ve been together through so much! You’re valued!” he whined. I could hear the desperation in his voice. He could feel me slipping away. How could I explain that my heart just wasn’t in it any longer?

“I know this is difficult to accept. I mean, you’re right, we’ve been together for years, and you really did do it for me for such a long time. But I am weary from all this back and forth drama. You say one thing, and then you do another. I need stability. It’s just who I am.”

I sat breathlessly in the front seat of my car, the air conditioner blowing stagnant, filtered air over my skin. Summer outside, frozen on the inside. How apropos that our relationship felt just like that.

I heard his slow inhalation over the line, and I pictured him collecting his thoughts. When he spoke again, his voice was more firm, more collected. “Please don’t do this just yet. Let’s talk. What bothers you the most? I can fix it, I promise I can! Just give me a chance!”

He just wouldn’t make this easy, would he? But something in his promise piqued my interest. What if we really could recapture the magic? What if he had learned his lesson? No, just no. I’d already decided. This was the final straw!

“Listen,” I spoke more firmly. “I’ve given this significant time to right itself. I’ve tried everything I can think of, and nothing has leveled us out in MONTHS! And now that I’m ready to leave, you want to work things out? I can’t imagine anything you could do at this point that would heal this rift.”

“What if I double your data for thirty dollars less a month and make it proactive and return your billing cycle to what we originally agreed upon?”

“I’m listening, but really, I don’t think I can go back into this for just thirty dollars less per month. I was offered a discount for being a student, and after two months, that still isn’t applied to my account. I was talking to T-Mobile….omgawds, stop freaking out, we were just talking…and he said he could offer me double the data at half of what you demand of me. I mean, he really seems to genuinely want me and is willing to do anything to get me. He said he’d talk to you and work it all out.”

Then he spoke again, and the determination was dripping into puddles at my feet, “Sweetie, listen, I get it. You’re right. I would do anything to not lose you. Here’s what I can do, and I don’t do this for just anyone. You are so special to me. I’ll double your data, make sure your discounts are applied, make it proactive, and charge you this significantly lower charge each month. Just…gawds…please don’t go. Not to T-Mobile! He makes lots of promises he can’t keep. He’s such a player. Girl, you’d get so hurt. Don’t do this, just give me a chance!”

And that’s how I cut my phone bill into less than half of what it initially was with double the perks and rekindled this fractured love affair. All I needed was proof of my worth to him ❤