Say What???

I was wrong. Oh, so very wrong. I don’t know how I could have possibly been any more wrong than I was.

There I sat beside the Vaping Viking…the guy who I don’t feel connected to and who does not feel connected to me. The Man of White Noise, blocking out the world with me here and there.

“I think it’s time I begin meeting your kids.”

(This is the part where I had a spontaneous asthma attack and blamed it on the weather and this flu bug that has morphed into what I can only presume is one day going to be named “The Death Plague Of Hell”.)

It turns out this is precisely what he thinks a relationship is. I guess there were signs, but honestly, what makes a relationship for me is toooootally different. Such as:

1) I know several of his friends. They recognize me on sight and joke around with me. I just presumed I was entered into his category of “friends” because there is no deeper level to us. We just exist without having to discuss existence. You know? But I suppose that means I have passed the friends test and didn’t even realize he was combining our worlds. Mah bad.

2) He wanted to take me and the kidlettes to the York Fair last month, but I declined simply because I felt like we were either just static together or, at best, tentative friends who sometimes see each other naked. That was his first attempt to start meeting them, and I didn’t want to let that happen.

3) I very seriously don’t want a boyfriend. This isn’t something I’m just saying because I have no suitors or whatever. I, in fact, have a plethora of men still trying to convince me to give them a chance. That’s why the Vaping Viking was my safe haven. He wasn’t trying to get to know me! He wasn’t trying to pin me down! He was comfortable enough without roping me in! Or so I thought. Meh.

4) This whole time, he’s just been a really bad communicator who isn’t on the same level as me intellectually, emotionally, spiritually, or goal-wise. We see the world incredibly differently, and we interact in two separate manners. He thinks this is a relationship. He thinks we’ve been building up to permanence. He thinks we’ve connected. How could he POSSIBLY think we have connected in any way, shape, or form beyond “And now we insert the penis into the vagina or whichever hole we might want to use this evening and do some naughty things to each other before we have pizza and watch TV together.”?

But he does. He thinks we’ve been building up for the past few months. I didn’t think there was any way I was leading him on. I mean, how can we feel so amazingly differently? How can he be satisfied with what this is? I know my standards are high, but c’mon now.

So how do I break this all to him? I went home after my asthma attack subsided and have been sick for the past six days. So, yeah, I’ve avoided him like a mature, responsible, very grown-up adult. Ahem…

I want to be on my own. I am more terrified of dating and what that would cost me than I am of connecting to the wrong person and having to start over. I like who I am all by myself (omgawds, I seriously just started singing that as soon as I typed it…but, you know, only in my head since I sound like a dying drag queen right now). I don’t want a boyfriend. I don’t want expectations. I don’t even really want sex considering I still feel like I’m giving away more of myself than I want whenever my clothes get tossed across the room.

So now I have to have THE TALK (dun dun dunnnn) which makes me highly uncomfortable and will probably end the static I had as a distraction some nights.

But mostly, I have to acknowledge the irony that the ones I want the most find fault in me while the ones I didn’t want to snatch up keep getting tangled in a net I didn’t even mean to cast.

That’s some bullshit, Universe. Cut that shit out.

How To Survive Raising Teenagers: A Demonstrative Speech

(Taken from the Power Point Presentation I am giving soon in my speech class)

They Have Messy Rooms

If you can’t charge wild animals moving into their closet rent, and you haven’t had a tetanus shot recently, perhaps you should just shut the door and have a glass of Pinot Grigio. Light, sweet, refreshing. A wine glass is a grown up sippy cup.

They Talk Back. A LOT.

So you must learn to negotiate with terrorists! So very un-American! But survival is the law of the land, and turning off data to their phones and changing the wi-fi password goes a long way in the battle.

They Eat All Your Food.

No, seriously, bottomless pits. My grocery bill is higher than all my other bills combined.

So I started buying only healthy, organic foods. Oh, you’re hungry again? There’s some quinoa in the fridge you could heat up. Or perhaps you would like some kale chips I just made? No? You’ll wait for dinner? Good plan.

They Date. And They Have More Game Than You.

You’re waiting up for one or more of your teens to get home from a date on a Friday night. You’re in pajamas. With a stain. And a hole in the butt. And you’re wondering how come YOU don’t get to go out on a Friday night. I suggest a Merlot for such occasion. It’s mild and easily gulped down. None of that sipping crap. In fact, don’t even use a glass. You should just throw a curly straw in the bottle and try not to cry.

They Grow Up So Fast.

The moment my family became complete. My now teenagers meeting their youngest sister for the first time a few moments after birth.

When they have sufficiently taught you why some species eat their young, just remember them when they were little. Recall sweet kisses and “I love you Mommy!” called out over and over again. And take solace in the fact that someday, they too shall be parenting teenagers. If karma is real, that is.