A Journey of Self

I’ve taken note over the years of how suddenly the path diverges and opens up to new destinies. Not just for myself, but in general. As children, we fight it. It’s not fair! This isn’t what I wanted! I’m not supposed to be going through this! As we mature and find that hindsight is twenty-twenty, divergence is met with more ease.

I’ve yet again found myself on a forked path. I had decisions to make to determine exactly which path I would follow, and I did just that. I made choices that were both easy in knowing I should take those deviant courses and difficult because simply being the right actions to take doesn’t mean we don’t scrape ourselves raw when we choose.

So…raw and opened yet feeling as if I am following the right path for me. That’s where I’m at. Luckily for me, I have traveled enough paths to know the habits I should be following. Oh, and I am definitely following those habits. In the school of life, I am an apt student.

Each night, I take a glass of wine or a hard cider and head upstairs to my bathroom. I light candles and listen to music that helps me ease into a meditative state. I’ve discovered a new gem in my bath/spa arsenal. Oh, Dr. Teal’s…this new bath salt is amazing.

I move seamlessly into my first meditation of the evening. I view everything as a puzzle or process. That’s why you’ll notice lists throughout my blog. I like them. I like lining things up and seeing patterns. So meditation one is simply to continue raising my energies and opening myself to whatever thoughts will continue popping into my head without direct influence. I like feeling myself remain in a hyper state of awareness while my body continues to relax and unwind throughout the remainder of my evening.

By the time all the kids are asleep, and I’m relaxing my body the rest of the way, I’m ready to perform my full meditations. I can meditate for an hour or so, reflect on what I have accomplished thus far, then meditate myself to sleep. By meditating until I sleep, I’ve discovered the fabulosity of lucid dreaming. And I write my dreams down as perfectly and with as much detail as I can remember as soon as I wake up before I can begin forgetting.

Ever go to sleep and find all the answers you were looking for inside your dreams?

The funny thing is, I find a majority of my answers in dreamland. I have a dream dictionary that I look up symbolism with, and my subconscious or spirit guides or Glenda the Good Witch or whatever gives me the answers I seek. I know, I know, I’m such a freaky-deaky little New Age chick. But if it ain’t broke…

Then I go on with my day with a feeling of peace within me. We all have difficulties. We all have self-growth to go through. We all have to make the choice between what is easy and what is right…and generally speaking…what is right is often what we have to fight for the most. I think the older I get, the more I realize that if it doesn’t come with a little exertion on my part, it isn’t truly worth having.

So I’ll gladly accept that I don’t know where this path is taking me, but I know for certain it’s better for me than the pathway I just left behind.

My Cup Floweth Over…With Awesomeness.

“Hey woman! Why the hell aren’t you over here watching a movie with me?”

“I miss you. Don’t make me bust up in your house like Al Qaeda on a mission.”

“Dude, I just saw two squirrels fucking and IMMEDIATELY thought of you.”

“Ok. Well just tell me what you want pampering wise. Food, booze, whatever you want. Do you want me to make dinner?”

“You’re fucking magical.”

These are text messages received over the past couple of days from my tribe members. Slowly but surely I am reconnecting with everyone. My goal in life for many months has been to spend as much time with people that make me happy doing things that feed my soul. So far, so good.

Last night I went to see Jinx in my pajamas. I just didn’t feel like putting on pants. He fed me pizza, watched a couple spooky episodes of American Horror Story with me, and we discussed broad topics ranging from the roots of paganism to the crack-cocaine-like properties of Utz Smokin’ Sweet chips that I inadvertently got him addicted to. Then we raided his loot crate and he gave me some things he’s had put aside for me.

When he went to put my awesome new bobble in my car, he said, “Holy shit, you’re so small. You’re like a Shetland Human!” because getting into my driver’s seat was a task.

Swoon!!!! Isn’t it adorbs???

Then he gave me a couple shirts of his that he thought I would dig because Invader Zim, that’s why.

TACOS!
Doooooooom!!!

I, in return, brought a case of Angry Orchard, snacks, and my sparkling company.

We laughed, and we laughed, and then we laughed some more. And it feels so good being able to just chillax with those that get me and cherish their time with me and vice versa. There’s been that settling after a shift where my thoughts reorganize themselves and I reevaluate what matters to me and go after it. Right now, life is amazing. Last week sucked, though…you know…fever and delusions and vomiting and other disgusting stuff. But now it’s all gravy.

I’ve been filling up my dance card again. Even though I am in a transitional period once more, I feel as if so much weight has been removed from my shoulders. My company has closed, so I’m technically jobless right now, but I have several job offers to pick and choose from. I am continually working on homework and studying, but that ensures I am a straight A student. Nothing less will suffice. My kids are driving me insane with all their activities and trying to figure out how to accomplish everything as a single, solitary human void of self-cloning technology, but they’re well rounded, social, dream-chasing humans on a mission. I am surrounded with people who show me that they care and make it feel safe for me to care for them just as much. Honestly, there’s a lot to be said for having just one person give you the security you need to be vulnerable and open, but when you have multiple people filling that role, then you have indubitably struck gold, son.

Life is so amazingly good. I am a happy little Squirrel.

A Week In My Life… The Cliff’s Notes Version.

Sick. So sick. Then better. Then significantly worse. Almost died. Possible exaggeration. Slightly.

Was supposed to catch up on missed homework, but he fed me burritos and watched Halloween movies with me instead.

Decided the next day we would do that homework I need to work on. Instead, we went to see Pan (Loved it so very much), then we got Chinese food, discussed zombies, watched Hocus Pocus, and discussed the laws of attraction.

I still have not caught up on my homework.

Worked the last wedding I will ever work. My company is closed. I suppose I now have time for my homework.

Read my horoscope. Didn’t like it. Checked twenty-three more horoscope sites until I found the one I could jive with.

I ate pie. Lots of pie. Then I felt guilty, so I did five sit-ups and said screw it before I got to six.

I painted my toenails pink then doused them in glitter.

Discovered glittery toes are incredibly uncomfortable in socks.

Removed nailpolish. Now have naked toes. Meh.

Got drunk on Moscato. Not my fault the stuff tastes like kool-aid.

Texted The Vaping Viking to arrange to see him tomorrow. So…you know.. THE TALK. I hate THE TALK, but I hate the thought of leading someone on even more. And, you know, being a gaping vagina who ghosts or acts like a chicken instead of a decent human that lets someone know they’re not on the same page emotionally is kind of a sucky thing, too, so I’ll avoid that.

I cuddled my kids. I washed some laundry. I did the Thriller Dance in the living room with the curtains open because I do what I want.

And I owned it. You know, the Awesomeness. I owned the shiznit out of it. Just because I can.

Might seem like boring nothingness, however, it’s that boring nothingness that makes us who we are and the life we are leading. It all passes so quickly…gotta do whatever it is that makes your heart happy before that heart stops beating forever…even if it’s nothing of great consequence. It’s all an adventure if you think of it that way, after all.

That Pooh Bear…smart little bugger…

Freedom and Stuff

I’m growing tired of people trying to hook me up. Sure, they mean well, but the longer I remain unshackled, the more I realize how much I enjoy being single. I look back on past relationships and remember what they were like after the honeymoon period, and I can honestly say, it exhausts me just thinking about it. Of course, my last long term relationship ended in a nine hour stand-off with state police, and the marriage that I escaped from before that involved alarms on the doors to keep me in my place and to alert him to my every move along with some pretty severe abuse. Oh, but rape isn’t rape if you’re married.

And then you think of the tedious task of talking to one loser after another, and you start to think about all the things that you would lose if you entered a relationship. Even a good one! Not to slam the good ones, more power to y’all in one, but for me personally, I just know I am not in the place to go there yet.

I mean, I’m, lactose intolerant. If I’m sharing my bed with someone, I’d be remiss to down a pint of Ben & Jerry’s in my randomly stained and bedraggled Spiderman shirt and a pair of Batman undies while laying in bed and binging on Netflix. I’d be terrified of what would happen within the hour of consumption. But not if I’m single!

And if I’m tired or sick or cranky or PMS’ing, I don’t have to take anyone else’s feelings into consideration! I can come home and shut out the world and spare the chance of casualties. I don’t have to explain myself or try to reign myself in, I can just be free to be me and whatever I am feeling in that very moment!

That brings us to freedom. Ah, sweet, sweet freedom. I don’t worry about checking with someone else over what I do, what I spend, who I am friends with, if I want to have one particular thing for dinner but they want another, and on and on and on. No one will pressure me to take it to the next level (and they all do eventually, male or female…if you’re together long enough, they’ll want you to commit). No one is that ONE PERSON I have to want indefinitely without being considered the bad guy because I bow out.

There will be no pointless disagreements. After that honeymoon phase passes, (And it always does. You won’t have butterflies forever) you automatically start having disagreements at some point. Or you’d rather have some down time and not text all that night. And you don’t want to feel obligated to always spend every single moment together, but omgawds, that’s a huge no no because you once loved spending all your time with them and so there must be a problem now which you must talk about and talk about and talk about and talk about some more. You feel the pressure to keep performing to a certain level that isn’t even possible or rational in real world terms. That’s what I’ve encountered, at least.

Plus, I have kids. I don’t relish the thought of integrating a new partner into my family. My kids have never met someone I’ve dated because that’s a huge level of commitment right there.

Guys want me to be less independent. I’ve encountered that far too many times. Something about not letting them be a man if I can take care of everything on my own.

And I’m weird. No, really, I am. My weirdness doesn’t like being checked, and you have to make modifications to yourself when in a relationship. Don’t tell me that the right person will accept everything about me because that’s hogwash. Again, that honeymoon stage. After that, you start to notice the little things people do when you’re around them all the time that are irritating as hell. Everyone does. Since it’s a fact, I’m sure it’s also science, bitches!

But being single, I can randomly flirt with anyone I want. That’s my automatic setting, by the way. I flirt without even thinking about it. I give most people pet names, and I threaten to hump legs like a rabid chihuahua. I also threaten to bite. It’s kinda my thing, this sexual/flirtatious personality that I greet the world with. And let me tell you right now, dudes don’t like it when their girls flirt with others. So as soon as you make it official, BAM! Now you can’t even innocently flirt with others unless you’re with someone who interacts the same way socially and isn’t the jealous type. I’m not about to lock up my phone or act differently in public when my beau is around simply because I’m taken and no longer allowed to be my silly, flirty, dirty-mouthed self. I like being this person. It works for me.

Let’s see…I don’t have to do laundry for anyone else but me and the kidlettes, I don’t have to put up with the bad moods of another person as well as my own, I don’t have to ask permission for a damn thing, I am completely in control of my own life and all the choices I make, I don’t answer to someone, I don’t have to discuss how I want my money spent, I don’t have to think about maintaining a relationship after the initial excitement wears off, I can flirt with whomever I please, I can eat all the ice cream in the world, and I never have to worry about doing things I don’t want to do just because I have a prerequisite to please the one I’m with lest they leave. Sure, sure, we could want a lot of the same things, but do you know how rare it is to find a person that likes everything you like and never will argue with you and will agree with all of your choices and is never going to start seeing the things about you that bugs them and works on changing those things because you’d be “oh, so perfect!” if you just didn’t do this or if you started doing that?

After everything I’ve encountered in relationships, and yes, they’ve been extreme, I must say I prefer singledom so much more. I see my friends and what they go through. I see how much a relationship would steal from me.

I don’t want to be claimed. I don’t want to be half of someone, I want to be magnificently whole all by myself.

I drove past the house I shared with my ex today, and many memories washed over me. And I started thinking about how I felt when I got away and how amazing life is with all these independent choices I get to make. I love freedom. I love MY freedom. And I don’t foresee a time when I’ll willingly just give that up.

So I’ll just be over here dating myself 😉

Because I’m Happy

Today, the crisp air made me happy as it gave hints of the Autumn months coming up right around the corner. The sweetness of my coffee made me happy. Class discussions and envisioning my mind expanding brought me happiness, too.

Each day, the little things bring me joy, and the big things bring me joy, and everything in between brings me joy. I think of past battles won and the resilience I’ve gained in life and the strength I have built up over time, and I become intoxicated with the wonderment of life and its precarious beauty and cyclic nature.

The more I endure, the happier I become. How odd, I think, before I realize it isn’t that odd at all. Why should we not become happier than the day before when we realize all that we can withstand and flourish through? There’s this dichotomy of fragility and invincibility dancing side by side to whispers of music in the midst of bomb shells exploding just on the other side of the wall. The human spirit can embrace so much and continue moving forward with hope and love and longing for futures dreamed of in the dead of night.

So I’m happy. I’m not in pursuit of happiness, I just AM.

I’m here for another day, and I see the threads holding the tapestry together, and I know it’s all beautiful, every single thread and every single fragment…even the dark grays and blacks and cloudy shades.

Resplendent, this life.

The In Between

Dear you,

I wanted to believe, so I deceived myself. I can’t be angry at you. I mean, I should have learned the first time I discovered how dishonest you can be. Fool me once, and all…

I was hurting, though. I was terribly hurt, you see. And to believe you meant to alleviate the pain. Until you were dishonest again. Fool me twice…

I think the complete detachment was all it really took this time. To see myself as I really am…The In Between. The momentary distraction that turns to a nuisance when the shiny baubles come along and hold your interest. I’m not shiny enough or interesting enough or maybe not even pretty enough. I don’t know which it is. I just know that I’m good enough for a time, then instead of honesty, there’s simply the feeling of being in the way again.

You can’t pick me back up again like a discarded toy when the shiny baubles become tarnished. I won’t let you. I don’t like living in The In Between. I’m so much more than The In Between could ever offer me. I get that you don’t see that. I know, and it’s okay. But, you see, when you use me to pass the time before tossing me to the side to chase something new only to run right back once your chase bores you, you treat me like less than nothing. I am just the girl in The In Between. That’s making me a shadow of a real girl. That’s saying I only matter because no one else currently matters more.

I thought for sure I mattered simply because YOU mattered to ME. Such foolish naivete. But it’s so easy to just drop me to the side without the slightest explanation. And it’s so easy to look annoyed and bored and anxious to escape because you’ve never seemed to have the willpower or upfront nature to say, “Hey, you know, I’d really rather not…”

I deserve more than that. If it can’t come from you, then it will (and often does) come from elsewhere. The only anger I have felt over this came recently, and it was simply because of the dishonesty. No, really, if I’m being honest, there was that moment where I was so angry that you just can’t see the value of me as a viable human. I know this to be so because we treat those we see value in with a certain level of respect and courtesy and honesty and tenderness. None of which is forthcoming from you when the light hits something that sparkles off in the distance.

Then the anger was redirected at myself. I mean, there’s that saying. When people show you who they are, believe them. But I chose to deceive myself. I chose to do this to myself.

So I’m moving forward with the knowledge that the next time we enter The In Between, I won’t serve the same purpose. I know that I see my own value and treat myself with enough respect for the both of us, and that will have to suffice. Because I just won’t be a shadow girl who helps you pass the time ever again. I’d rather not, thanks.

And I know I mean it when I don’t wonder for one second if you’ll miss that role I played someday. Because, quite frankly, it no longer matters if you do or not. It no longer matters at all.

I’m not a damsel in distress. I’m a dragon. And dragons don’t need saving, they figure out how to save themselves. Just in case you wondered….

Sincerely,

That Girl

How To Survive Raising Teenagers: A Demonstrative Speech

(Taken from the Power Point Presentation I am giving soon in my speech class)

They Have Messy Rooms

If you can’t charge wild animals moving into their closet rent, and you haven’t had a tetanus shot recently, perhaps you should just shut the door and have a glass of Pinot Grigio. Light, sweet, refreshing. A wine glass is a grown up sippy cup.

They Talk Back. A LOT.

So you must learn to negotiate with terrorists! So very un-American! But survival is the law of the land, and turning off data to their phones and changing the wi-fi password goes a long way in the battle.

They Eat All Your Food.

No, seriously, bottomless pits. My grocery bill is higher than all my other bills combined.

So I started buying only healthy, organic foods. Oh, you’re hungry again? There’s some quinoa in the fridge you could heat up. Or perhaps you would like some kale chips I just made? No? You’ll wait for dinner? Good plan.

They Date. And They Have More Game Than You.

You’re waiting up for one or more of your teens to get home from a date on a Friday night. You’re in pajamas. With a stain. And a hole in the butt. And you’re wondering how come YOU don’t get to go out on a Friday night. I suggest a Merlot for such occasion. It’s mild and easily gulped down. None of that sipping crap. In fact, don’t even use a glass. You should just throw a curly straw in the bottle and try not to cry.

They Grow Up So Fast.

The moment my family became complete. My now teenagers meeting their youngest sister for the first time a few moments after birth.

When they have sufficiently taught you why some species eat their young, just remember them when they were little. Recall sweet kisses and “I love you Mommy!” called out over and over again. And take solace in the fact that someday, they too shall be parenting teenagers. If karma is real, that is.

Behold, Your Queen of Awkward Moments!

The Vaping Viking ordered me a new box, and as I sat in his shop, who should walk in? None other than the devastatingly boring dude I went on a date with a couple months ago. So I reacted in the obvious way. I burst into laughter at the shock on the boring dude’s face and then began laughing even harder when I saw the confusion on the Vaping Viking’s unshaven mug. The next obvious reaction was to take a picture once they began conducting business.

It wasn’t the best picture of the Vaping Viking, but I had everyone’s full attention after I realized the shutter noise on my camera was on which alerted them all to my picture taking shenanigans. The guy in the Jersey gave me another look then told his father he’d wait in the car for him.

Slightly awkward. Slightly funny. Slightly par for the course on a regular ol’ day in my life.

Then I made plans with Jinx. Here I will highlight the good to come out of my dating adventures online. Jinx, that tatted up nerd, is just one chill dude. We haven’t hung out since going to the movies about a month ago, so we’ve made plans to change that. He makes me laugh, and he proves that not every guy on a dating app is a big, stinky poopie-head. I have faith there are decent men in the world simply because of the ones that are my friends. That’s really the only thing that has kept me from becoming a militant feminazi instead of a non-combative feminist.

See? Just loads of goofiness and giggles.

I’ve been extremely happy with my decision to not date. It feels like this immense pressure has disappeared…poof!!! …and I can focus on the important stuff in life. It’s freeing and removes all the cumbersome trappings from my life. I mean, unless you count bills and the fact someone let my children know I’m supposed to feed them every day.

In other news, I’ve begun my fall term, and I’m relatively certain the world is ending soon. Otherwise, there’s no logical reason to explain why I could possibly be the star pupil in a mathematics classroom. No reason at all. I’m done with cardio, and weight lifting, and watching what I eat. There’s obviously not much time left.

Life continues day after day no matter what breakthroughs and setbacks and accomplishments and boring-boring-boring events take place. It just keeps going, and when you realize that, your stress levels diminish tenfold. I don’t have to worry, the world will keep on spinning. I mean…until the aliens come back. They’re gonna be pissed to see what we’ve become.

Hello, Universe. It’s Me, LeeAnn

I’m of Russian, German, and Slovakian descent. On top of that, I’m an Aries female. What that amounts to is a whole lot of stubbornness and an overabundance of fierceness. I’m a force of nature due to nothing more than my birthright.

But even someone as determined, relentless, and often ornery as myself must recognize that the universe speaks. The life we plan isn’t generally the life we lead. And yet, we somehow end up exactly where we are meant to be even when it’s exactly the opposite of all we’ve tried to attain.

So here I am. Ready to listen and acknowledge.

I’m through with dating. I mean, I suppose if I meet someone inadvertently because we are thrown onto the same course at the precise moment we are meant to encounter each other, sure, I’ll still be listening to the universe then. But for now, the amazing amount of ignorance, disrespect, disgusting propositions, and overall incompatibility ensures I want nothing to do with fishing the deep, blue sea. I am unable to find even one iota of desire to peruse the muck of the underbelly of dating websites any longer. In fact, I am amazingly relieved at my decision to delete all dating apps and be content with where the universe currently has me.

Because, my dears, last night it hit me. It truly hit me. I will not find what I want while turning over every stone I encounter because what I am destined for is in the stars high above. What you find hidden in the underbelly is probably meant to remain in the shadows. And what I seek is the illumination that one rises to…not what one sinks to.

I am a mother. I am a college student once more. I am a friend and confidante. I have a full life that I just keep adding to. And stress from dating sites was retracting from all the good in my life. I can’t take any more of that nonsense. I’m going places, and I’ve no more time to trip or distract myself.

You see, I’m following my bliss. And my bliss is contained within myself and requires no outside interference to exist. It just is. It just exists. It just continues to be.

Unfortunately, POF refuses to let me delete my account.

So, I’ve merely hidden it from being searchable and deleted the app altogether. That’s some sneaky bullshit, by the way. It asks you to “Quit” and “Give up” after encouraging you to watch a video on online dating tips, then it refuses to recognize the password that was just freaking entered to open the app in the first place. Tricky, tricky.

That’s neither here nor there now. I’m walking away from forcing the universe to bend to my will. While that has worked in certain instances, I’m tired. I’m exhausted with always battling and always fighting for what I want and feel I need. I just want to flow on the lazy river of life for a good long while. What is to come my way will arrive here no matter how hard I try to attract it or run from it. Life has certainly taught me that much. Right now, the universe is telling me to give in and breathe…to stay on the course that is right and to let go of what feels wrong and to have faith that it will all work out.

So do your thing, Universe. I’m here, and I’m patiently waiting.

Should I Stay, Or Should I go?

James, the cute boy who owns a vape lounge, invited me back over last night to his bachelor pad which he has already talked about being his own private sanctum that he doesn’t like invaded. By the way, he’s going to be known in this blog as the Vaping Viking from this point forward since his Nordic features are all I can really focus on.

He told me to wear my pajamas, so I did.

We watched the A-Team…

That’s the best picture I could get because by the time I took it, well…Ugh, I’m jumping ahead of myself. Let’s start from the beginning.

I came over. I parked in an unfamiliar area. I walked over to his house where he was waiting outside to meet me. We headed upstairs where he had A-Team queued up. I knew as we were snuggling up that it didn’t matter that I specifically put on my ugly panties reserved for the times I’m trying to ensure no one in the world will be getting my pants off…I had probably made a bad choice in coming to his house knowing full well it wasn’t just to watch tv. I haven’t had sex in nine months. I think he’s sexy as all get out with his Nordic features and flowing, long hair…like Fabio with a better nose.

So we were giggling and talking and his hand was suddenly on my leg. He was watching my reactions, and I was becoming more flustered because he was watching me so closely with an open intensity. We continued talking, he discovered I’m ticklish, I discovered he’s just as ticklish,and we were tickling and laughing and wrestling around quite a bit, and before I knew it, I was tucked so closely into him that I couldn’t really tell where he ended and I began.

Then he was kissing me. I must admit, that was one amazing kiss. And it was followed by another, and another, and another, and hands were all over the place and clothes were kinda being tossed wherever all willy nilly, and then I remembered that I couldn’t have sex yet, so I stopped him.

“Wait! We can’t have sex tonight!”

He pulled back and looked slightly disappointed but recovered quickly like a gentleman. He was okay with it and didn’t try to push me further!

“I mean, it isn’t you, and it isn’t me. It’s my vagina. You can’t put your penis inside it because it’s already full of tampon!”

Then he’s laughing, and I’m laughing, and then there’s kissing and touching and a reminder that you can do a whole lot of stuff without actual penetration. And so we did. A lot. Several times. For hours.

Then he asked me to spend the night. Just. Like. That. And I did.

He doesn’t bring girls home. He hasn’t had sex in two years out of pure choice because he had other focuses and girls in York County are…well…not really all they’re cracked up to be…and so I know he’s not this horn-dog that was simply trying to boink me and send me home. Because while we had fun, we didn’t boink. He brought me into his home and played and teased and joked and kissed me like he wanted to devour every ounce of my being. Then he wanted me beside him all night.

This morning, he made coffee, and I fell back asleep, and then I woke up as he was just about to leave for a meeting. I grabbed my shoes and threw them on real quick, and he walked me down the street to my car. I was half asleep and a little miffed that he didn’t wake me up in time to have more coffee and get my bearings. It didn’t dawn on me until my drive home that he hadn’t planned on me leaving yet. He had his meeting and was coming right back home where he had hoped I would still be. I verified through a text. I was the girl who runs out first thing in the morning. He’s the guy that wanted me to stay.

When we got to my car, he pulled this off the windshield:

I had to pretty much grab it out of his hand…he was insisting on paying it for me. And yes, those are Hello Kitty pajamas. Don’t judge me.

He opened my car door, hugged me close, handed me a vaping juice he had mixed just for me before leaving his shop yesterday. He closed the door behind me, and he watched me drive away. And we’ve been texting all morning since I got home.

I don’t spend the night. It’s been a long time since I’ve spent the night beside someone. I don’t know what I was thinking or why I wanted to sleep beside him and wake up more than once to find him also awake and covering me back up under the blankets that I kept kicking off. I don’t know why it was so nice or why I wasn’t scared. I’m always scared when it becomes that intimate. And let’s face it, there’s not much else that’s more intimate than sleeping in the arms of someone…fully trusting that while unconscious, they won’t murder you. Or worse…look at the messages and pictures in your phone…

I know it isn’t forever with the Vaping Viking. He’s selling his shop and leaving PA within the year. And I don’t have those “OMGAWDS” kind of feelings, either. I mostly just have the “I like him enough, and I like how I don’t feel pressured, and he’s pretty, and I forgot what it was like to sleep in the arms of another all night…to have someone make me coffee and walk me to my car and kiss me like he has waited his whole life to kiss someone like that” kind of feelings. I don’t know if that’s wrong, either…to be so intimate when it’s such an indefinite thing. Or is this really embracing the moment and one of those living for now come-what-may experiences that I sought after to begin with?

I asked myself if I should stay or go, and I stayed. And I’m pretty sure I’ll be doing it again…