My Cup Floweth Over…With Awesomeness.

“Hey woman! Why the hell aren’t you over here watching a movie with me?”

“I miss you. Don’t make me bust up in your house like Al Qaeda on a mission.”

“Dude, I just saw two squirrels fucking and IMMEDIATELY thought of you.”

“Ok. Well just tell me what you want pampering wise. Food, booze, whatever you want. Do you want me to make dinner?”

“You’re fucking magical.”

These are text messages received over the past couple of days from my tribe members. Slowly but surely I am reconnecting with everyone. My goal in life for many months has been to spend as much time with people that make me happy doing things that feed my soul. So far, so good.

Last night I went to see Jinx in my pajamas. I just didn’t feel like putting on pants. He fed me pizza, watched a couple spooky episodes of American Horror Story with me, and we discussed broad topics ranging from the roots of paganism to the crack-cocaine-like properties of Utz Smokin’ Sweet chips that I inadvertently got him addicted to. Then we raided his loot crate and he gave me some things he’s had put aside for me.

When he went to put my awesome new bobble in my car, he said, “Holy shit, you’re so small. You’re like a Shetland Human!” because getting into my driver’s seat was a task.

Swoon!!!! Isn’t it adorbs???

Then he gave me a couple shirts of his that he thought I would dig because Invader Zim, that’s why.

TACOS!
Doooooooom!!!

I, in return, brought a case of Angry Orchard, snacks, and my sparkling company.

We laughed, and we laughed, and then we laughed some more. And it feels so good being able to just chillax with those that get me and cherish their time with me and vice versa. There’s been that settling after a shift where my thoughts reorganize themselves and I reevaluate what matters to me and go after it. Right now, life is amazing. Last week sucked, though…you know…fever and delusions and vomiting and other disgusting stuff. But now it’s all gravy.

I’ve been filling up my dance card again. Even though I am in a transitional period once more, I feel as if so much weight has been removed from my shoulders. My company has closed, so I’m technically jobless right now, but I have several job offers to pick and choose from. I am continually working on homework and studying, but that ensures I am a straight A student. Nothing less will suffice. My kids are driving me insane with all their activities and trying to figure out how to accomplish everything as a single, solitary human void of self-cloning technology, but they’re well rounded, social, dream-chasing humans on a mission. I am surrounded with people who show me that they care and make it feel safe for me to care for them just as much. Honestly, there’s a lot to be said for having just one person give you the security you need to be vulnerable and open, but when you have multiple people filling that role, then you have indubitably struck gold, son.

Life is so amazingly good. I am a happy little Squirrel.

A Week In My Life… The Cliff’s Notes Version.

Sick. So sick. Then better. Then significantly worse. Almost died. Possible exaggeration. Slightly.

Was supposed to catch up on missed homework, but he fed me burritos and watched Halloween movies with me instead.

Decided the next day we would do that homework I need to work on. Instead, we went to see Pan (Loved it so very much), then we got Chinese food, discussed zombies, watched Hocus Pocus, and discussed the laws of attraction.

I still have not caught up on my homework.

Worked the last wedding I will ever work. My company is closed. I suppose I now have time for my homework.

Read my horoscope. Didn’t like it. Checked twenty-three more horoscope sites until I found the one I could jive with.

I ate pie. Lots of pie. Then I felt guilty, so I did five sit-ups and said screw it before I got to six.

I painted my toenails pink then doused them in glitter.

Discovered glittery toes are incredibly uncomfortable in socks.

Removed nailpolish. Now have naked toes. Meh.

Got drunk on Moscato. Not my fault the stuff tastes like kool-aid.

Texted The Vaping Viking to arrange to see him tomorrow. So…you know.. THE TALK. I hate THE TALK, but I hate the thought of leading someone on even more. And, you know, being a gaping vagina who ghosts or acts like a chicken instead of a decent human that lets someone know they’re not on the same page emotionally is kind of a sucky thing, too, so I’ll avoid that.

I cuddled my kids. I washed some laundry. I did the Thriller Dance in the living room with the curtains open because I do what I want.

And I owned it. You know, the Awesomeness. I owned the shiznit out of it. Just because I can.

Might seem like boring nothingness, however, it’s that boring nothingness that makes us who we are and the life we are leading. It all passes so quickly…gotta do whatever it is that makes your heart happy before that heart stops beating forever…even if it’s nothing of great consequence. It’s all an adventure if you think of it that way, after all.

That Pooh Bear…smart little bugger…

Freedom and Stuff

I’m growing tired of people trying to hook me up. Sure, they mean well, but the longer I remain unshackled, the more I realize how much I enjoy being single. I look back on past relationships and remember what they were like after the honeymoon period, and I can honestly say, it exhausts me just thinking about it. Of course, my last long term relationship ended in a nine hour stand-off with state police, and the marriage that I escaped from before that involved alarms on the doors to keep me in my place and to alert him to my every move along with some pretty severe abuse. Oh, but rape isn’t rape if you’re married.

And then you think of the tedious task of talking to one loser after another, and you start to think about all the things that you would lose if you entered a relationship. Even a good one! Not to slam the good ones, more power to y’all in one, but for me personally, I just know I am not in the place to go there yet.

I mean, I’m, lactose intolerant. If I’m sharing my bed with someone, I’d be remiss to down a pint of Ben & Jerry’s in my randomly stained and bedraggled Spiderman shirt and a pair of Batman undies while laying in bed and binging on Netflix. I’d be terrified of what would happen within the hour of consumption. But not if I’m single!

And if I’m tired or sick or cranky or PMS’ing, I don’t have to take anyone else’s feelings into consideration! I can come home and shut out the world and spare the chance of casualties. I don’t have to explain myself or try to reign myself in, I can just be free to be me and whatever I am feeling in that very moment!

That brings us to freedom. Ah, sweet, sweet freedom. I don’t worry about checking with someone else over what I do, what I spend, who I am friends with, if I want to have one particular thing for dinner but they want another, and on and on and on. No one will pressure me to take it to the next level (and they all do eventually, male or female…if you’re together long enough, they’ll want you to commit). No one is that ONE PERSON I have to want indefinitely without being considered the bad guy because I bow out.

There will be no pointless disagreements. After that honeymoon phase passes, (And it always does. You won’t have butterflies forever) you automatically start having disagreements at some point. Or you’d rather have some down time and not text all that night. And you don’t want to feel obligated to always spend every single moment together, but omgawds, that’s a huge no no because you once loved spending all your time with them and so there must be a problem now which you must talk about and talk about and talk about and talk about some more. You feel the pressure to keep performing to a certain level that isn’t even possible or rational in real world terms. That’s what I’ve encountered, at least.

Plus, I have kids. I don’t relish the thought of integrating a new partner into my family. My kids have never met someone I’ve dated because that’s a huge level of commitment right there.

Guys want me to be less independent. I’ve encountered that far too many times. Something about not letting them be a man if I can take care of everything on my own.

And I’m weird. No, really, I am. My weirdness doesn’t like being checked, and you have to make modifications to yourself when in a relationship. Don’t tell me that the right person will accept everything about me because that’s hogwash. Again, that honeymoon stage. After that, you start to notice the little things people do when you’re around them all the time that are irritating as hell. Everyone does. Since it’s a fact, I’m sure it’s also science, bitches!

But being single, I can randomly flirt with anyone I want. That’s my automatic setting, by the way. I flirt without even thinking about it. I give most people pet names, and I threaten to hump legs like a rabid chihuahua. I also threaten to bite. It’s kinda my thing, this sexual/flirtatious personality that I greet the world with. And let me tell you right now, dudes don’t like it when their girls flirt with others. So as soon as you make it official, BAM! Now you can’t even innocently flirt with others unless you’re with someone who interacts the same way socially and isn’t the jealous type. I’m not about to lock up my phone or act differently in public when my beau is around simply because I’m taken and no longer allowed to be my silly, flirty, dirty-mouthed self. I like being this person. It works for me.

Let’s see…I don’t have to do laundry for anyone else but me and the kidlettes, I don’t have to put up with the bad moods of another person as well as my own, I don’t have to ask permission for a damn thing, I am completely in control of my own life and all the choices I make, I don’t answer to someone, I don’t have to discuss how I want my money spent, I don’t have to think about maintaining a relationship after the initial excitement wears off, I can flirt with whomever I please, I can eat all the ice cream in the world, and I never have to worry about doing things I don’t want to do just because I have a prerequisite to please the one I’m with lest they leave. Sure, sure, we could want a lot of the same things, but do you know how rare it is to find a person that likes everything you like and never will argue with you and will agree with all of your choices and is never going to start seeing the things about you that bugs them and works on changing those things because you’d be “oh, so perfect!” if you just didn’t do this or if you started doing that?

After everything I’ve encountered in relationships, and yes, they’ve been extreme, I must say I prefer singledom so much more. I see my friends and what they go through. I see how much a relationship would steal from me.

I don’t want to be claimed. I don’t want to be half of someone, I want to be magnificently whole all by myself.

I drove past the house I shared with my ex today, and many memories washed over me. And I started thinking about how I felt when I got away and how amazing life is with all these independent choices I get to make. I love freedom. I love MY freedom. And I don’t foresee a time when I’ll willingly just give that up.

So I’ll just be over here dating myself 😉

Because I’m Happy

Today, the crisp air made me happy as it gave hints of the Autumn months coming up right around the corner. The sweetness of my coffee made me happy. Class discussions and envisioning my mind expanding brought me happiness, too.

Each day, the little things bring me joy, and the big things bring me joy, and everything in between brings me joy. I think of past battles won and the resilience I’ve gained in life and the strength I have built up over time, and I become intoxicated with the wonderment of life and its precarious beauty and cyclic nature.

The more I endure, the happier I become. How odd, I think, before I realize it isn’t that odd at all. Why should we not become happier than the day before when we realize all that we can withstand and flourish through? There’s this dichotomy of fragility and invincibility dancing side by side to whispers of music in the midst of bomb shells exploding just on the other side of the wall. The human spirit can embrace so much and continue moving forward with hope and love and longing for futures dreamed of in the dead of night.

So I’m happy. I’m not in pursuit of happiness, I just AM.

I’m here for another day, and I see the threads holding the tapestry together, and I know it’s all beautiful, every single thread and every single fragment…even the dark grays and blacks and cloudy shades.

Resplendent, this life.