Patterns Make Pictures

Over the years, I’ve noticed more and more how patterns seem to abound. Most of us know the common-knowledge “this applies to everyone” types of patterns, such as, people die in threes, etc. But then there are the individual patterns we all follow. Those are the ones that intrigue me most.

Like, I had a three year run where I wasn’t hit on by a single man my age, but I was being hit on by men 15 years (or more) my junior every time the wind changed course. I finally said, okay Universe, I’ll play along, and after a three or four month liaison with a guy 17 years younger than myself, the Universe moved onto the next pattern. HOWEVER! The next pattern was already becoming established with the seriously way-too-young-for-me-omgawds kid.

It was the pattern of J names that I am still slightly stuck in.

So I met a guy named Keith and thought YAY! I’m finally moving on in the alphabet. And I wasn’t setting out to meet anyone because, let’s face it, relationships of the romantical sort are definitely not my forte.

That’s when I discovered my next pattern in the completely effed up journey of my not-even-wanted love life. It’s the “Well, fuck, he’s still invested in his ex even if he doesn’t tell you he is” pattern.

First, let’s cue Mr. Yesterday. He’s the one that told me I was not someone he needed to check qualities off the list for…I WAS the list. He hadn’t felt that way for anyone in years. “I claim you for as long as you want me. Every moment makes me want you more” blah blah blah it’s all lies blah blah blah guy. Yup, the one who suddenly did a complete 180 overnight and *GASP* suddenly had feelings for his ex and was reconnecting to her again. It lasted three whole weeks when they DID get back together so obviously it wasn’t the amazing fantasy he had playing in his head, but the bottom line is that he told me on the first date that there was no one else. So, yes, that means he LIED. And I was automatically in competition with someone I knew nothing about, and had he let me know he wasn’t truly moved on, I would have known better than to catch feelings. His name starts with a J.

Then there’s the Vaping Viking. Also a J name. Also in love with his ex still. He at least owns it, though, so I’ve known to not get too close and to not let my heart open up to him and to not invest myself and to not fantasize about some future that is completely unrealistic. But then, he’s the guy acting like we are in a relationship and wants to spend as much time with me as possible and wants to hang with my kidlettes and introduced me to his parents when they were in town and is now buying our tickets to the Nutcracker so his mother can come back to Pennsylvania and see my daughter performing with us. Which, you know, if I’m not mistaken, these are all relationship goals. And I keep referring to him as my FRIEND, and yet, I’m seemingly in a relationship that isn’t really a relationship. As soon as I figured out that he’s viewing us as something different than we are, I quit sleeping with him. He took me to dinner last night, and he is incredibly upfront about reading my texts when they come in and commenting on them, and I swear that’s something only a boyfriend who wants to know what his girl is up to would do. But…again…I am not trying to be in a relationship, and this is a pretty skewered version of a relationship if we WERE in one.

Next on my list…Keith. And Keith came on strong. Keith invited me and the kids to come home with him to Pittsburgh for Thanksgiving and be his date amongst his family. And he said the words which are now becoming a pattern, too, “I’ve finally found my sexy nerd girl. There’s no way I’m letting you go.” And flattery galore and good morning texts and good night texts and a million texts in between every day and good gawds, he acts like I’m the next best thing since cocoa beans and sugar chilled and watched Netflix and made a baby together. But…you know I can’t break this pattern until I am immersed in it and recognize it and face it head on. So yeah….

And he said NOTHING back! The dude who couldn’t stop texting me and flattering me and acting so excited over me who ALSO was the dude who kept bringing up his exes every single freaking time I turned around and saying things like, “Yeah, that’s what Genelle did!” or “Kate was like that. She would do A, B, and C, blah blah blah” every single time we were on any topic whatsoever had absolutely nothing to say in regards to my outright confrontation of the fact I am already in competition with a couple ghosts.

So I unfriended him on Facebook and am now analyzing why this is my pattern and hoping this pattern is now broken. I have faced it head on after recognizing it and have taken the healthy approach which keeps me from being a doormat and/or excusing behavior that leaves me as an option. I mean, if someone treats you like an option and can’t make up their mind, help them make their choice by removing yourself from the equation. It really IS that simple.

Aaaaaaaand now I’m giggling stupidly because the last two I mentioned weren’t even intended to be found or put into the place where I even give a flying rat’s ass. Yet, here I am. Because the Universe has absolutely no qualms with teaching you lessons that you really have no interest in learning.

And people wonder why I don’t want anything to do with relationships at this point.

My Cup Floweth Over…With Awesomeness.

“Hey woman! Why the hell aren’t you over here watching a movie with me?”

“I miss you. Don’t make me bust up in your house like Al Qaeda on a mission.”

“Dude, I just saw two squirrels fucking and IMMEDIATELY thought of you.”

“Ok. Well just tell me what you want pampering wise. Food, booze, whatever you want. Do you want me to make dinner?”

“You’re fucking magical.”

These are text messages received over the past couple of days from my tribe members. Slowly but surely I am reconnecting with everyone. My goal in life for many months has been to spend as much time with people that make me happy doing things that feed my soul. So far, so good.

Last night I went to see Jinx in my pajamas. I just didn’t feel like putting on pants. He fed me pizza, watched a couple spooky episodes of American Horror Story with me, and we discussed broad topics ranging from the roots of paganism to the crack-cocaine-like properties of Utz Smokin’ Sweet chips that I inadvertently got him addicted to. Then we raided his loot crate and he gave me some things he’s had put aside for me.

When he went to put my awesome new bobble in my car, he said, “Holy shit, you’re so small. You’re like a Shetland Human!” because getting into my driver’s seat was a task.

Swoon!!!! Isn’t it adorbs???

Then he gave me a couple shirts of his that he thought I would dig because Invader Zim, that’s why.

TACOS!
Doooooooom!!!

I, in return, brought a case of Angry Orchard, snacks, and my sparkling company.

We laughed, and we laughed, and then we laughed some more. And it feels so good being able to just chillax with those that get me and cherish their time with me and vice versa. There’s been that settling after a shift where my thoughts reorganize themselves and I reevaluate what matters to me and go after it. Right now, life is amazing. Last week sucked, though…you know…fever and delusions and vomiting and other disgusting stuff. But now it’s all gravy.

I’ve been filling up my dance card again. Even though I am in a transitional period once more, I feel as if so much weight has been removed from my shoulders. My company has closed, so I’m technically jobless right now, but I have several job offers to pick and choose from. I am continually working on homework and studying, but that ensures I am a straight A student. Nothing less will suffice. My kids are driving me insane with all their activities and trying to figure out how to accomplish everything as a single, solitary human void of self-cloning technology, but they’re well rounded, social, dream-chasing humans on a mission. I am surrounded with people who show me that they care and make it feel safe for me to care for them just as much. Honestly, there’s a lot to be said for having just one person give you the security you need to be vulnerable and open, but when you have multiple people filling that role, then you have indubitably struck gold, son.

Life is so amazingly good. I am a happy little Squirrel.

When Nerdy Girls Dream

I know, I know, I don’t post often enough anymore. Midterms and activities with my kidlettes and kicking ass at life in general kinda distracts me.

But I’m down with the flu and stuck to my laptop tonight. You’re welcome.

Seriously, though, I couldn’t let another night go by without sharing some of my mental diarrhea. My dreams are like an acid trip while feverish. I mean, I’ve never dropped acid, so I’m simply presuming. Seems legit to me, though.

I’m dizzy again, so I’m keeping this short. I pinky promise to try and pop in more frequently. Even if the post sucks because I don’t really have anything of substance to share.I suppose fluff is okay at times, too. At least that’s what I tell myself when critically examining my thighs. XOXOX

How To Survive Raising Teenagers: A Demonstrative Speech

(Taken from the Power Point Presentation I am giving soon in my speech class)

They Have Messy Rooms

If you can’t charge wild animals moving into their closet rent, and you haven’t had a tetanus shot recently, perhaps you should just shut the door and have a glass of Pinot Grigio. Light, sweet, refreshing. A wine glass is a grown up sippy cup.

They Talk Back. A LOT.

So you must learn to negotiate with terrorists! So very un-American! But survival is the law of the land, and turning off data to their phones and changing the wi-fi password goes a long way in the battle.

They Eat All Your Food.

No, seriously, bottomless pits. My grocery bill is higher than all my other bills combined.

So I started buying only healthy, organic foods. Oh, you’re hungry again? There’s some quinoa in the fridge you could heat up. Or perhaps you would like some kale chips I just made? No? You’ll wait for dinner? Good plan.

They Date. And They Have More Game Than You.

You’re waiting up for one or more of your teens to get home from a date on a Friday night. You’re in pajamas. With a stain. And a hole in the butt. And you’re wondering how come YOU don’t get to go out on a Friday night. I suggest a Merlot for such occasion. It’s mild and easily gulped down. None of that sipping crap. In fact, don’t even use a glass. You should just throw a curly straw in the bottle and try not to cry.

They Grow Up So Fast.

The moment my family became complete. My now teenagers meeting their youngest sister for the first time a few moments after birth.

When they have sufficiently taught you why some species eat their young, just remember them when they were little. Recall sweet kisses and “I love you Mommy!” called out over and over again. And take solace in the fact that someday, they too shall be parenting teenagers. If karma is real, that is.

Behold, Your Queen of Awkward Moments!

The Vaping Viking ordered me a new box, and as I sat in his shop, who should walk in? None other than the devastatingly boring dude I went on a date with a couple months ago. So I reacted in the obvious way. I burst into laughter at the shock on the boring dude’s face and then began laughing even harder when I saw the confusion on the Vaping Viking’s unshaven mug. The next obvious reaction was to take a picture once they began conducting business.

It wasn’t the best picture of the Vaping Viking, but I had everyone’s full attention after I realized the shutter noise on my camera was on which alerted them all to my picture taking shenanigans. The guy in the Jersey gave me another look then told his father he’d wait in the car for him.

Slightly awkward. Slightly funny. Slightly par for the course on a regular ol’ day in my life.

Then I made plans with Jinx. Here I will highlight the good to come out of my dating adventures online. Jinx, that tatted up nerd, is just one chill dude. We haven’t hung out since going to the movies about a month ago, so we’ve made plans to change that. He makes me laugh, and he proves that not every guy on a dating app is a big, stinky poopie-head. I have faith there are decent men in the world simply because of the ones that are my friends. That’s really the only thing that has kept me from becoming a militant feminazi instead of a non-combative feminist.

See? Just loads of goofiness and giggles.

I’ve been extremely happy with my decision to not date. It feels like this immense pressure has disappeared…poof!!! …and I can focus on the important stuff in life. It’s freeing and removes all the cumbersome trappings from my life. I mean, unless you count bills and the fact someone let my children know I’m supposed to feed them every day.

In other news, I’ve begun my fall term, and I’m relatively certain the world is ending soon. Otherwise, there’s no logical reason to explain why I could possibly be the star pupil in a mathematics classroom. No reason at all. I’m done with cardio, and weight lifting, and watching what I eat. There’s obviously not much time left.

Life continues day after day no matter what breakthroughs and setbacks and accomplishments and boring-boring-boring events take place. It just keeps going, and when you realize that, your stress levels diminish tenfold. I don’t have to worry, the world will keep on spinning. I mean…until the aliens come back. They’re gonna be pissed to see what we’ve become.

I Can Only Imagine

I really wanted to share something of substance that I’ve been working on, but instead, I decided to share today’s biggest loser. I’m growing less and less convinced that there is anyone of substance remaining in this entire state. Maybe even the entire country…

I left a message for my stockbroker to buy me more shares of Energizer…

Should I Stay, Or Should I go?

James, the cute boy who owns a vape lounge, invited me back over last night to his bachelor pad which he has already talked about being his own private sanctum that he doesn’t like invaded. By the way, he’s going to be known in this blog as the Vaping Viking from this point forward since his Nordic features are all I can really focus on.

He told me to wear my pajamas, so I did.

We watched the A-Team…

That’s the best picture I could get because by the time I took it, well…Ugh, I’m jumping ahead of myself. Let’s start from the beginning.

I came over. I parked in an unfamiliar area. I walked over to his house where he was waiting outside to meet me. We headed upstairs where he had A-Team queued up. I knew as we were snuggling up that it didn’t matter that I specifically put on my ugly panties reserved for the times I’m trying to ensure no one in the world will be getting my pants off…I had probably made a bad choice in coming to his house knowing full well it wasn’t just to watch tv. I haven’t had sex in nine months. I think he’s sexy as all get out with his Nordic features and flowing, long hair…like Fabio with a better nose.

So we were giggling and talking and his hand was suddenly on my leg. He was watching my reactions, and I was becoming more flustered because he was watching me so closely with an open intensity. We continued talking, he discovered I’m ticklish, I discovered he’s just as ticklish,and we were tickling and laughing and wrestling around quite a bit, and before I knew it, I was tucked so closely into him that I couldn’t really tell where he ended and I began.

Then he was kissing me. I must admit, that was one amazing kiss. And it was followed by another, and another, and another, and hands were all over the place and clothes were kinda being tossed wherever all willy nilly, and then I remembered that I couldn’t have sex yet, so I stopped him.

“Wait! We can’t have sex tonight!”

He pulled back and looked slightly disappointed but recovered quickly like a gentleman. He was okay with it and didn’t try to push me further!

“I mean, it isn’t you, and it isn’t me. It’s my vagina. You can’t put your penis inside it because it’s already full of tampon!”

Then he’s laughing, and I’m laughing, and then there’s kissing and touching and a reminder that you can do a whole lot of stuff without actual penetration. And so we did. A lot. Several times. For hours.

Then he asked me to spend the night. Just. Like. That. And I did.

He doesn’t bring girls home. He hasn’t had sex in two years out of pure choice because he had other focuses and girls in York County are…well…not really all they’re cracked up to be…and so I know he’s not this horn-dog that was simply trying to boink me and send me home. Because while we had fun, we didn’t boink. He brought me into his home and played and teased and joked and kissed me like he wanted to devour every ounce of my being. Then he wanted me beside him all night.

This morning, he made coffee, and I fell back asleep, and then I woke up as he was just about to leave for a meeting. I grabbed my shoes and threw them on real quick, and he walked me down the street to my car. I was half asleep and a little miffed that he didn’t wake me up in time to have more coffee and get my bearings. It didn’t dawn on me until my drive home that he hadn’t planned on me leaving yet. He had his meeting and was coming right back home where he had hoped I would still be. I verified through a text. I was the girl who runs out first thing in the morning. He’s the guy that wanted me to stay.

When we got to my car, he pulled this off the windshield:

I had to pretty much grab it out of his hand…he was insisting on paying it for me. And yes, those are Hello Kitty pajamas. Don’t judge me.

He opened my car door, hugged me close, handed me a vaping juice he had mixed just for me before leaving his shop yesterday. He closed the door behind me, and he watched me drive away. And we’ve been texting all morning since I got home.

I don’t spend the night. It’s been a long time since I’ve spent the night beside someone. I don’t know what I was thinking or why I wanted to sleep beside him and wake up more than once to find him also awake and covering me back up under the blankets that I kept kicking off. I don’t know why it was so nice or why I wasn’t scared. I’m always scared when it becomes that intimate. And let’s face it, there’s not much else that’s more intimate than sleeping in the arms of someone…fully trusting that while unconscious, they won’t murder you. Or worse…look at the messages and pictures in your phone…

I know it isn’t forever with the Vaping Viking. He’s selling his shop and leaving PA within the year. And I don’t have those “OMGAWDS” kind of feelings, either. I mostly just have the “I like him enough, and I like how I don’t feel pressured, and he’s pretty, and I forgot what it was like to sleep in the arms of another all night…to have someone make me coffee and walk me to my car and kiss me like he has waited his whole life to kiss someone like that” kind of feelings. I don’t know if that’s wrong, either…to be so intimate when it’s such an indefinite thing. Or is this really embracing the moment and one of those living for now come-what-may experiences that I sought after to begin with?

I asked myself if I should stay or go, and I stayed. And I’m pretty sure I’ll be doing it again…

Say Cheese!!!

Psssst. Hey boys. Psssst….hey! Yeah, you! Did you know your profile picture on a dating site says a lot about you? Do you know most the pictures on certain sites are absolutely terrifying? I’m not talking about the blah ones like in front seats of cars or from an angle down near your waist looking up that is possibly the single most unflattering angle in the entire plethora of angles and perplexes me ever so much that there are so many of you that utilize said angle. I’m specifically talking about how scary some of you look. There’s murder in your eyes, I can see it.

You’re growling when you pop up in my inbox. I automatically make your scary eyes go away.

*Shivers*

Let’s also take into account that the average woman on a dating site gets dozens upon dozens of messages per day. She has options. If you look pissed when she sees you, it’s human nature to walk away as quickly as possible.

So let’s go over things not to do when choosing the picture you want to wow a female with.

1) Stop scowling! I’m serious. Don’t choose pictures that look like you’re a giant, mean, poopie-head who probably pushes little old ladies down for fun on Tuesdays.

2) Out of focus pictures won’t make me click to see more. This is the picture that is the FIRST IMPRESSION we have of you. Could you at least TRY to impress?

3) Stop taking topless photos in the bathroom mirror. Stop it. Stop it now!

4) Pictures while in the driver’s seat….really? Why? Don’t you know one person who could snap a picture of you somewhere other than in your car?

4B) Also…stop taking pictures of your car. I don’t give a flying fuck how much you spent on your rims. I really, truly don’t.

5) Close ups that reveal every pore on your face aren’t that grand, either. Back up. A little more. Okay, just a little bit more. There, now you may take the picture.

6) Oh, awesome. You go to the gym. Then you flex while still in the gym and take a picture. Every single one of your pictures is of you. Flexing. In a gym. How original.

7) Are you really posing with a gun? Sweet Mary Mother of God…NEXT!

8) Stop posting pictures of you with your children. On a dating site. For the love of all that’s holy, why would you post pictures of your innocent children on a website for perfect strangers, some who are undoubtedly unbalanced, to see???? Why would you DO that???

Here are a few collages I made of actual profile pictures that have popped up in my inbox today. I did not include the ones that have children or guns because I will not perpetuate the inappropriate decision to use them to get dates, nor did I include the ones with firearms because I don’t want to get killed if they see this and stuff.



Don’t make Hulk angry! You won’t like Hulk when he’s angry!

Now…to end on a positive note, here are pictures that have ended up in my inbox full of quirkiness and smiling faces and artsy poses and the overall feeling that they’re nice and fun and worth a second look. DO try and emulate these photos, boys. THESE photos get your foot in the door for a girl to at least look at your pictures and read your self-promotional write-up. More on how you should present yourself in your “About” section later. Yup yup yup!!!

Fun, fun, fun!!!! Sign me up!!!

(I have dinner plans with one of these guys this week. I’ll let you try and guess which one)

In conclusion, seriously, exert some actual effort and stop being scary. And trim your nose hairs. That’s totes important, too. Just sayin’.